The view from my window right now: a real Swede knows how to enjoy life properly – sunbathing alone outside the cemetery.
Category: ALL POSTS
My art as tattoos
I feel very flattered when people send me pictures of their tattoos, designed to look like my artworks. It creates a very intimate bond between them and my art and I feel very lucky to be part of that intimacy. Here are some examples of my art turned into tattoos:
“Something About Sorrow” as a tattoo
“Starchild” as a tattoo
“Don’t Wake Daddy” as a tattoo
The original artworks made by me:
“Something About Sorrow”
“Starchild”
“Daddy’s Secret” by Mia Makila
Selfie from 2006
A rebel heart
During one of our long talks this weekend, I told Johnny something about how I’ve always had an inner rebel – and he asked me: “but are you rebelling for or against something?” , and his question made me completely perplexed. I had never thought about it before.
Both me and my art are of a rebellious nature – we are activists when it comes to the inner world and wanting to evoke a sense of inner freedom in other people. But why is this so important for me? Am I taking a stand for or against something? I mean in a sense I’m doing both through my art, but what drives me to do that? What motivates me the most – to fight against a system of beliefs or to fight to introduce something new and liberating? I need to think about all this. I just love being challenged this way. It makes me grow – my favorite thing in life.
How come…
… I looked so much older at 18 than I do now when I am 37?…
Me at Nanci’s parents house, 1997
Double versions
It happens that I sometimes revisit my older digital works and continue working on them so they become something new with a totally different expression. Click images to enlarge.
Another Place, digital – first version 2007, second version 2012
Bianca, first version 2009, second version 2012 (and yes, that’s Domenique)
Vanitas, both versions from 2013
Ship of Fools, first version from 2008, second version from 2012
The shift
I’ll be done with redecorating my apartment by tomorrow night. I’ve been so focused on organizing it so I haven’t had the time to make art in a while. I miss it and I will go back to painting this week.
I can feel how there’s a shift in my life – I used to be on survival mode rather than to live my life and for a long time there was a process in between those two states, to rebuild, reclaim, reconnect, recover and reinvent myself. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m just living my life and enjoying every minute of it. I feel relaxed and happy. I know I still have some more steps to take until I am able to work as a full time artist again. But right now, the most important thing is to paint, paint, paint so I’ll create a new collection of works. The rest comes later. I’m in no hurry anyway.
Domenique is still missing, I’m very worried that something terrible has happened to her.
I’m thinking about how many hours I’ve been looking at her face behind my camera. And all those hours editing our photographs. I think I know her face more intimately than I know any old lover’s face.
My new bedroom
This weekend I’ve been very busy, moving my studio in to the living room and the bedroom out of the living room into the old studio. With this change, I’ve created a digital free bedroom without any TVs, computers, stereos or other distractions. It’s just a room for relaxation, pleasure and meditation so I will have the energy I need to be a great artist.
I will show you my new studio/living room when it’s all done.
Sneak peak
Today I’ve been busy moving my studio into the other room and making big changes in my apartment, I’ll show you more tomorrow. I’m totally beat but it looks amazing!
The perfect setting for self-discipline
It’s my favorite kind of mornings. Grey skies. Rain. A soft feeling of love and anticipation inside. Tomorrow I’m gonna move my studio into the living room and make the old studio into a bedroom, without a TV set, computers or any other distractions. I do this to practice self-discipline. I can’t be too comfortable if I want to create a new set of paintings. I’ve packed away my DVD collection. I never watch TV, only streaming or playing DVDs. I try to find more time to meditate and to read books. The thought that every little decision is a choice between comfort or growth is the best guideline for self-discipline. I want to grow, to make something important of my life. I have a mission to accomplish. A dream to catch. Then I have to be somewhat uncomfortable to be able to get things done. I’ve wasted way too many years staying in bed, watching movies and being too comfortable to do something important. This is a new era in my life, and I have to prepare the perfect setting for the magic it holds.
Today is a parade of good things
What a wonderful day it is. Grey skies. Rain. Love. Sensuality. Inspiration in the eyes of friends. And I’ve started the new digital piece about the house roots.
In the afternoon I received an email from my friends at iLLUSEUM in Amsterdam who wants to include my work in their plans for future solo shows. I feel so honored and excited. My life and career are slowly starting to blend and feed off each other. I’m on the right path, I can feel it. An artist and their work are one and the same. Life and art becomes one single world of beauty and magic. But always slightly perverted in some way. Or exposed. Never left untouched. They would never accept the pureness of pigments but instead they would try their best to tame them, because of a rebellious desire to be part of the creation itself.
My heart is open. It’s breathing. And I’m letting the rain inside to water the roots. Today is really a parade of good things.
The women who came before me
My Finnish grandmother
My Swedish grandmother
During the monthly hormone disruption, I’ve been thinking a lot about my own femininity and my body. The menstruation cycle is just as private as it is a connection to the women in the line behind me. Genetics. A shared familiarity in symptoms, cycles, physicality. Like a secret society of womanhood. Then I started to think about my two grandmothers, who were so different from each other and colorful in their own unique ways.
My Finnish grandmother on my father’s side was kind of spiritual and very artistic and creative. The Finns are quite mysterious and they hold a lot of pride and integrity – and I see my grandmother as an enigma at times. I used to visit her after my grandfather died and we would listen to classical music together or she would translate her poems and read them to me. She had a lot of depth but I think she was starving for some intellectual stimulation. Even though she was a happy person, there was always a streak of darkness to her. It intrigued me. I was fascinated by the way she could walk through her childhood memories with such ease, talking about it with her whole body, and then tell gruesome stories about the war (the winter war against Russia) that would transport me there. She was a good story teller. Her life was hard at times and she sacrificed a lot of herself and her creativity to be able to be a good homemaker. But – there were times when she would create something beautiful for her family. Like the time when she created a forest in her living room for the kids to play in. She went out in the forest, collected moss, grass, branches, stumps, leaves, small tress, sticks and stones and arranged it on a huge rug in the corner of the room to make it look like a real forest.
My aunt, uncle and my dad in my grandmother’s living room forest
My grandparents
After a few weeks it all began to decay and smell, so she went back to the woods and gently returned the moss and the trees to its natural environment. It was a lovely project. It inspired me when I was decorating the living room in one of my earlier apartments as a ‘winter room’ where I went all in with a wintry style in June:
My Swedish grandmother was very different. She was almost childlike at times. Especially in the brutal way she used her honesty and was loud about it – and in her naive view of the world, but she had a lot of spunk to her – and a very dirty sense of humor. When I think about her I see a free spirit trapped in a time and place where society didn’t accept it, so she tried to fit in, trying to fit the norm but not in the most graceful way. She was forced to move out from home in her early teens. I think that abrupt end to her childhood and the need to do what it takes to survive in a harsh world colored her temperament and behavior. My grandmother was very warm and she really loved me. I think my Swedish grandparents were the only relatives, except for my parents, who showed me genuine love and affection when I was a child. I felt seen by her. Not understood, but at least I felt seen. Because she was like a child and I was an old soul.
Me with both my grandmothers, 1999
I think they are both part of me somehow. Here and there in the genes, but they have also influenced me in various ways. I inherited my talent and creativity from my Finnish grandmother and my sense of humor, my honesty and my childlike quality from my Swedish grandmother. They are both gone now but I still talk to them in my head once in a while. And I am sort of a close neighbor to my Finnish grandmother, because she’s buried in the cemetery across the street from my building. If I squint, I think I can see her grave from here.
Simon & Garfunkel – Homeward Bound
I’MPOSSIBLE
I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I still feel a little numb and distant but not as encapsulated in the heavy fog. All my creative processes were completely disrupted by this – and I’ve lost some momentum and mojo, but I’ll do what it takes to get it back.
I’m very grateful for the internship at the gallery, I am having so much fun! The gallery has been my sanctuary during this heavy week. Not only because the work itself is stimulating but also because it’s a boost to my self-esteem and confidence. When I get affected by the hormone storm, I lose some of it. I feel weak, fatigue, vulnerable and a little lost. But through the work, I’m reminded of my strength, capability, my intellect and my talent. Whatever feels impossible is only a momentary malfunction in the brain system – I know I am capable of anything I set my mind to – and instead of dwelling on feeling like things are impossible I have to remind myself that I’mpossible. That’s a good word, a little cheesy perhaps, but still a good mantra.
And even when life is hard – I don’t lose my good qualities. They are still there, hiding under the fog of self doubt and twisted hormones.
Now I have some orientation to do. I need to get back to where I left off before the disruption. Back to the new painting. The digital piece about house roots. Back to writing on this blog again. I’ve missed it all. I’ve missed you as well.
I am still here
I’m so tired and feeling a little disconnected, but I’m still here.
The fog of nothingness
There are no real thoughts in my mind at the moment. It’s almost all blank. There’s a heavy fog covering everything I have inside. It’s all buried underneath the monthly hormones. The only thoughts I can make out in the fog are fragmented and vague. I can’t think straight. I can’t create. This will all pass in a few days but it’s a nightmare while it’s happening. I feel isolated within myself and almost completely encapsulated in the fog of nothingness and numbness.
It’s not fair that some women have to suffer from this every month, there’s no cure or even something to make it feel better. Some doctors prescribe antidepressants but I refuse to take pills like that just because my hormones are acting up. The side effects are way worse than the symptoms of what I am going through anyway. It’s silly. If this was a problem for men, they would’ve come up with a miracle cure a long time ago. But as all other “women’s issues”, we’re stuck with neglect and silence. It’s just not that important.
All I have to do now, is to wait.
For the fog to leave.
Until I’ll get my life back.
House roots
“Strings Attached”, 2015
“Iceland” 2015
“A BINARY DREAM” BY MIA MAKILA – 2016 (DIGITAL MIXED MEDIA) Edition of 10, 42 x 48 cm, PRICE: 5200 SEK
Something wonderful is happening. For the first time in my life, I’m growing roots and they are deeply connected to the ground. I’m not floating around in space like a balloon without a string anymore. I’ve found my place in the world just by being true to who I am and in the love I feel for Johnny. Geography doesn’t matter. Nor does circumstances. When you find your home, in yourself and in another person’s heart, external things are not that important. I am still broke but I feel very rich. To be poor is a state of mind (in this part of the world), feeling fortunate as well.
I’ve known Johnny for almost four years and our love story has been complicated and rich in details and colors. So much has been standing in our way – other lovers, bad timing, health issues, distance and money. But we are still here, we are still in this connection together. What started out as a few strings attached grew into a complex and beautiful root system. The progress of our love story is visible in my digital art. Look closer at the three pieces above. See how the floating house with just a few strings attached to a star slowly develops delicate roots which are a little more connected in each piece. Not yet touching but slowly making contact while creating sparks of light and warmth.
Some years earlier the houses in my art were adrift, hard to reach or full of smoke and flames – just like my relationships at the time were either explosive or disconnected.
“Out of the Nothing Box” by Mia Makila, 2014
All the Bears In My Garden
Can Not Reach Mommy
But there’s more happening than the creation of my new roots. My house is growing taller, like a tree – and I’m stretching out, reaching out, unfolding, pushing myself outwards like I have long and curious branches wanting to touch the world outside myself. Wanting to be part of it and making it part of my very own existence.
Johnny is setting me free into the world. There’s no possessiveness, no chains. I’m still struggling with fears, trust issues and insecurities at times, because of my traumas, but every day I learn something new from him about generosity and kindness. He’s making grow and blossom by letting me be me – all the way. I’m very grateful. I hope I am doing the same for him.
There is so much out there for me to reach for.
I will try to explore this new sensation of being rooted but so free to reach for the sky, in a new digital piece. A tree house perhaps. Or why not a house tree, somewhere between the depth of reality and the dreams within.
I think It’s Gonna Rain Today – Claudine Longet
Ok, just one more…
I forgot about this one – “The Beauty and the Beast” by Henri Rousseau, 1908. I think I might make my own version of this theme in a painting. I feel inspired.
Alfred Kubin and the beasts of the night
I love this drawing by Alfred Kubin.
It reminds me of this scene from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I used to have a lot of sexual fantasies about being taken by a hairy beast or werewolves but they disappeared after my therapy treatment. Although I still like body hair. And wilderness. And animalistic energy. Perhaps I’m not that cured after all.
Nat King Cole – The Very Thought Of You
Missing
Domenique, photographed by me in 2011
My inside is a mess today. I can’t make out what’s real and what’s been colored by the monthly storm of hormones. I am also worried about Domenique, she’s gone missing. I hope she is alright. Her life is a very dark place right now and it’s hard for me to watch her waste her life and herself like that – and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve known her since she was 13, when she was very fragile, but somehow she’s even more fragile today. I miss her, the Domenique without all that black stuff in her eyes.
The talking body
I’m in bed with a little cold today. It’s a great opportunity for me to just lay here and absorb all the good things happening to me right now. My body might be a little weak because of the cold but there are so many new wonderful sensations to enjoy. My body has been so tense for a long time, perhaps since I was very young. I am so connected to my own true nature now, I know what makes me feel good and what makes me tense and uncomfortable. I’ve had a lot of aggressive people around me in my life – people yelling, threatening, shaming, humiliating, punishing, cussing, being violent or passive aggressive while not taking responsibility for their actions but making me feel guilty and responsible. Forcing it on me.
This makes the mind tense and high-strung, expecting and looking for the next attack – which makes the body tense and stressed as well. I used to break out in hives and rashes when I was younger, I’ve had pain and problems with my female body parts because I used to have sex against my will without saying no, I’ve suffered hair loss, weight gain, weight loss, anxiety and panic attacks because all of me, body, mind, soul, heart, has been so tense and stressed.
People haven’t treated me with respect and I haven’t treated myself with the respect I deserve. I am trying to do that now, I have been doing that since I forgave myself last year. It changed everything. My body was so full of shame, so full of guilt and painful memories. Then I forgave myself for being so reckless and careless with myself, for not saying no when I needed to, for not saving myself before it was too late. I forgave myself for not taking responsibility for my own body and life. For being disassociated and disconnected between mind and body so one could feel pain while the other numbed it in order to continue destructive relationships.
Selfies with movement
I feel so connected to myself and all my parts right now. My mind is at peace, my heart is alive, my body is relaxed and my female parts are opening up to welcome pleasure instead of pain. I’m taking responsibility for my body and treating it with respect by eating well and not getting myself in a situation that makes me feel tense and stressed again. I’m trying to stimulate myself sexually and sensually both physically and mentally. This is very important if you want a lasting happiness. To keep yourself positively stimulated.
The mind should always be slightly challenged, the body teased and appreciated and the heart filled with fire and air so it can burn and breathe without inhaling fear or indifference. I’ve grown allergic to both fear and indifference. They kill the spirit. One state is too active and defensive, the other is too passive and disconnected. It’s actually rather hard to find a balance, but it’s possible and worth the effort.
The secret is to listen to the body and trying to figure out what it has to say. Because it is talking. Just like the thoughts inside your mind. It’s just the language that is different.
MIA MAKILA PAINTING PROCESS – “THE CORE” 2016
Watch my work-in-progress video for my latest painting “THE CORE” (and yes that’s my eerie voice)
From him to me right now
I’ts like you leave light prints all over the place where you’ve been – your light is connected to your beautiful curiosity and playfulness, it adds so much to this world and you are just made of it, like a light sculpture captured in your core – in your being.
– Johnny
MIA MAKILA 