My day out with my dear friend Jenny turned out to be one of the best in a very long time. I’m full of love and gratitude. 
My day in Stockholm
Category: ART
On my way to Stockholm, I’ve missed you my beloved city
A smooth flow of happiness
I’ve kept myself busy this week and I am finding more and more energy as I am working hard to sync myself to the heartbeats of life itself. I’m full of hope and optimism. But there are moments when I stop just to have that little piece of doubt; “what’s wrong, why am I feeling so happy?” so I asked my job coach: “do you think I am bipolar because I used to be so sad and anxious all the time and now I just feel happy and excited?” She laughed and said: “no, Mia, this is YOU, without the heavy weight you’ve been carrying for so long. This is who you always were and you’ve worked damn hard to get here so don’t you doubt any of it.”
I guess I’m just not used to this smooth flow of happiness. Before it was more of a rollercoaster ride. I’m sure it will always be a bumpy ride for me because I have a passionate and sensitive disposition, but I am not manic or bipolar and the ride won’t take me too deep when I’ll be falling again. Because I will – we all do at times.
I have much to be happy about. Johnny and I are sharing our lives and love together even though we are apart (who said I’m not good at patience?), I am painting, making digital art, I’m dancing around my apartment like I used to do a long time ago, I am working on the website and I’m proud of the work I’m doing – and today I’ll go on a little trip to see a dear friend.
I don’t take life for granted anymore – I don’t take happiness for granted, so I am feeling so much gratitude and appreciation right now.
Friends
I’m watching old episodes of Friends and the scene where Monkey has a turkey on her head to make Chandler happy always makes me laugh so hard. It’s little things like this that makes me energized – and I find that both poetic and surreal.
The year of joy and peace
Recent photos from my phone:
My keywords for 2017
My new favorite photo of Johnny which he sent me last week, I feel so happy looking at his smile
I’ve had a wonderful weekend even though my health has been shaky. I’m getting more and more into the flow of creativity and positive thinking. It’s more natural for me now to think in terms of “what you think – you’ll become” instead of being sucked down into my fear, sadness or negative energy pits.
The important thing is to keep busy, to be balanced in rest/play and body/mind and working on my self-esteem. And I’ve been both busy and ambitious lately with making new artworks, creating a new website for my art, writing a plan for next year’s achievements and goals – and making research about neuro linguistic programming. I feel proud of myself.
And I know that before this year is over, I’ll finish at least 3 more artworks, my new art site will be launched (as a Christmas gift for my precious audience) and I’ll have a clear vision of what I need to do to be able to reach my goals for 2017:
- reduce stress /get healthy
- find balance between mind/body and rest/play
- continue my process of independence
- stop feeding the want and start nurturing the need
- celebrate life
- be creative and have fun with it
- get more money so I can invest in new projects
- plan art shows for 2018-2019
I know that next year will be amazing – even if the world is all messed up right now and Trump will become the new sitting President of the United States – but there is no one of nothing that can take away the optimism and newfound self-esteem that I’ve worked so hard for this year. That makes me feel powerful and it’s a great feeling after feeling vulnerable for a long time. What a victory. What a fucking victory.
The flow
Trying to capture panic in “The Wound”
I am really painting again. No self-doubt, no hesitation, no fear – just me having fun in the studio. And even if the subject matter is very disturbing and painful for me, I don’t feel sad or anxious while working – I’m just letting it all out and as it leaves my heart and end up on the canvas, I am healing even more. Last night I ended up in that wonderful flow of creativity and passion that I’ve missed so much and I couldn’t sleep because of the rush from the flow.
One of the best things I’ve done lately is to define what my idea of ‘the perfect artistic expression’ is to me. I made a list of what I’m trying to achieve with my artistic voice, and if I just follow the list I will have no reason to doubt myself or compare myself to other artists:
-
Capture strong emotions in their primitive state
-
Use vivid colors
-
Find a balance between light/dark and playful/serious
-
Simplicity and a clear composition (no unnecessary details or a realistic approach)
-
The expression should not be flattering or perfect in an obvious way
-
The expression has to feel like ‘home’ to me
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Things like this…
… makes me feel so lucky. To be able to touch other people and make them see beauty and light where it’s all ugly and dark. 
Simplicity
Working on “The Wound”, trying to find the core of the expression through simplicity – a real challenge!
“Can’t you hear who you are?”
2014
I met up with my job coach this week and we talked about my resources and qualities. After she’d established some of my best resources, she suddenly said: “…and you have the gift of rhetoric in your spinal cord”
“I have…umm…what do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean that you have the gift of talking, of expressing yourself. You are very articulate and that’s not something I come across every day. It’s a gift.”
“You see that in me? I don’t know, I guess I can’t see it , because this is just who I am, it’s natural to me.”
“Mia… can’t you HEAR who you are?”.
Her question surprised me, because I’ve never got that question before – but I felt intrigued to explore it. I need to listen and hear myself just as I am learning how to see myself. And some day soon, I will be able to hear myself the way she’s able to hear me. I am slowly learning that I’m so much more than I’ve ever known myself to be.
“Mojoing”
Selfie from last year. This totally looks like a mug shot, I almost wish it was. But I do have some mojo going on.
My mojo has been missing for a long time but I am finally beginning to feel it seep into my veins again. I’m starting to feel playful and horny while working with my art and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Lust and passion are such important components in my creativity and it creates this sexual energy that feeds my imagination and ambition. I love it. It makes me feel powerful, potent and alive. I’m so dependent on my mojo – to be ‘mojoless’ is almost painful for me. It’s almost like I get sick when I lose the connection to my sexual energy. So, I need to stay connected to it.
2006
2008
2007
I think mojo is such a natural part of the human energy – we are driven by two needs; to survive and to propagate our species – the mojo is a necessary energy for both needs. I choose to celebrate it. To put it in my work – and load my core with it. Although I am so connected to my mojo, I lose the connection very easily. It happens when I start to doubt myself, when I lose myself to other people’s expectations, when I compromise my artistic expression – or when I feel censored by my own fear or by other people’s judgment. I just have to be more careful with my mojo and keep my shape intact and not letting other people mold it to whatever they want me to be for them.
The mojo makes me feel electric in both my body and thoughts and it keeps all my parts connected (mind, body, heart, soul) and therefore I am able to be me to the fullest. I think that kind of soft and invisible electricity is a beautiful experience and it’s also so natural – since our brain is wired through electrical impulses (and when the doctor tries to resuscitate the heart, they use electricity). There are so many fascinating and natural energies that people seem to forget about. We should learn how to harness them and to create something incredible with it – for ourselves and others. We should all start ‘mojoing’ more. Mojoing when we are alone. Mojoing together with other people. To let those electric butterflies fly.
Mojoing, 2010
From one world to another
Studying neuro linguistic programming
I feel inspired and really excited about 2017. I can’t wait to dig into the new year with all the new knowledge and awareness that this year provided me with. I’ve worked so hard and gone through some of the most painful processes, but I’m proud of myself and it’s been worth both the effort and all the pain.
Remember when I wrote about being stuck in my personal purgatory? I am definitely on the other side of it now, cleansed, changed and liberated. With the feeling of having closure, being self-empowered and practicing an open consciousness, I am ready for whatever challenges next year will bring. This will be reflected in my art and writing as well.
This year, I’ve focused so much on my inner journey but next year I’ll put my focus on more practical things – I’ll move away from the intellectual world of thinking, contemplating, analyzing, planning, and go toward the physical world of doing, being, making.
Doing things that are good for me. Being Mia and letting go of roles and masks. Making art because it’s fun, not because people expect it from me.
A night in the church
With my dad in a church, enjoying the beautiful Christmas carols performed by my mom’s choir earlier tonight.
(The first selfies since I got sick two months ago)
What’s the motivation?
I am reading this great book about programming the mind for success and positive thinking – and there was a question that really made me think;
“Where do you find your motivation – in achieving goals or in avoiding something you don’t want in your life?”
What an amazing question, so many hidden truths and beliefs can be found in asking it. Am I motivated to DO something or am I trying to run away from something?
All I know is that I don’t want an ordinary life – is that a reason, to become an artist to avoid the same lifestyle as my parents and what I knew as real and ordinary as a child? Or the opposite – am I driven by a constant need to express myself and to affect people with these expressions? I am not sure.
I’ve always wanted to avoid playing by other people’s rules (which is ironic since I’ve both been drawn to and scared of authoritarians) and not wanting the ordinary to dominate my life. I’ve always looked for magic. In everything. Everywhere. I find it in intimacy, in my creativity, imagination, in my fantasies, dreams, during Christmas time and when it’s snowing, raining, in thunder and lightning. I find magic in other people’s hearts, in the core, in growth and awakening, in transformations and transcendence. I find magic in laughing, dancing, singing, smiling, in the twinkle of the eye, in body heat, heartbeats and tears. I find magic in nature and in animals – in music and artistic expression.
And of course I find magic in love.
Ally McBeal
My need for magic is insatiable. I guess that’s why I can relate to the fictional characters Ally McBeal, Pippi Longstocking and Anne of Green Gables so much. Or why I connect so deeply with the magic worlds of Ingmar Bergman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE3ESgz6F0c
The opening sequence of Ingmar Bergman’s ‘Fanny & Alexander’ (1982) and the magical world of Alexander’s imagination
Anne of Green Gables (1986) imagining herself as the Lady of Shalott
I don’t deny reality and I don’t dislike the real world, but I know there’s so much more to it than endless routines, problems and mechanical needs like eating, pooping, sleeping. I do believe in magic even though I don’t believe in any God or an afterlife. That’s why it’s so important for me to bring magic into the world, while I am still alive because I only have one chance of contributing – and it’s now.
We are all made of cosmic materials, stardust and moonlight – we are all part of a great mystery. We need to remind ourselves of that more. We are magic.
I would say that my motivation comes from a combination of being uncomfortable with the ordinary and therefore chasing magic both within and outside the ordinary.
Notes from my notebook
“Nobody can make you feel or be anything for you. You create your own thoughts, feelings and moods. Nobody can crawl into your head and change your state of mind or the way you are feeling at the moment. You are responsible for what you allow to affect you and for putting a value to other people’s words – low or high, according to how much they mean to you. Who is your audience – your critics who don’t know you or the people who know and appreciate you?
Stockholm, 2012
My state of mind is my own responsibility – but I am not responsible for how other people might judge me or think of me. I just have to let it go. I am not on a mission to control how other people feel about me. They can love me or hate me but I choose to surround myself with people who make me feel good. I only listen to people who appreciate what I do or who I am – if they have criticism I know it’s because they want to make me grow, not to humiliate me. I don’t know how I could allow anyone to punish me for my weaknesses or for my strength – it is not who I am anymore.
I have integrity – therefore I don’t let other people’s opinions affect me.
I practice self-compassion – I am kind to myself and won’t put myself in any harm’s way.
I am aware of my thoughts and feelings – I become what I think and feel; if I think bad thoughts about myself I will feel bad and act accordingly.
I am an equal to all people – until they prove me wrong. If I feel submissive to anyone who doesn’t deserve to put me in that position, I will leave the relationship or the situation.
I am healing – therefore I have to be patient and accept that things will take time. Nobody has the right to judge my process of healing or put a label of what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ when it comes to how I choose to approach this process.
I have boundaries – and it’s my responsibility for making them clear to other people but it’s not my responsibility if they choose not to accept them. If people don’t want or can’t respect my boundaries then I have to leave.
I am open to change – I understand that the same behavior will create the same results and that I can change anything I don’t like about my own behavior. It is never too late to change. But I can’t change other people and I have to accept that.”
– Mia Makila
My wishlist for 2017
At the end of every year I go through a list of things I want for myself and want to accomplish during the following year. That way, I can plan my life according to my wants and needs (although life has a tendency to make plans for me as well) .
This is my wish list for 2017:
- Break dependency cycles (health care system, parents, job coach, therapist etc)
- Become my own authority figure (be my own Goddess) and never be submissive to anyone
- Find balance within myself and between body and mind
- Structure my time and practice self-discipline to find a better tempo in my creativity
- Meditate every day
- Remember law of attraction – “What I focus on I shall receive”
- Be more clear about my boundaries
- Practice ‘superficial’ so I can be more social (not everyone wants intimacy like I do)
- BE PATIENT!
- Control my thoughts and steer them in the right direction (kill negativity and victim mentality)
- Stop:
expecting
over-analyzing
overthinking
worrying
doubting
judging
interpreting - Live in the moment and enjoy it
- Stop feeding the WANT and start feeding the NEED
- Stop being a slave to my own fear
- Find some joy in things I consider boring
- Feel grateful for the things I have and for who I am
Working girl
In the morning: self therapy work and later this afternoon: meeting my new therapist. Who said trauma recovery wasn’t hard work?
The nature of bad self-esteem
Someone recently asked me; “you already have all the keys to unlock your own success and happiness – what are you waiting for?” and I guess they were right, I do have all the keys to unlock my own success and happiness; I have the awareness, the will, the motivation, the knowledge and the focus. So what am I waiting for?
The answer is in my bad self-esteem and the way I keep doubting myself. I can’t use the keys unless I REALLY start believing in myself. The more I dig into the self-doubt and dissect it, the more ridiculous I think it is. I am talented – so why don’t I believe in my talent? I am smart – why don’t I believe in my own intellect? I am strong – why don’t I believe in that strength? I am beautiful – why can’t I appriciate that? It’s so stupid. Like it’s all there but I can’t reach it or I don’t want to – or like being able to see but thinking you are blind. Bad self-esteem doesn’t make sense unless you put it in a social context. I think people are OK with who they are and accept themselves when they are alone – but in relation to other people, they start to feel uncomfortable, inadequate, flawed and weird, especially if they’ve had bad experience with bullying, abuse, neglect or not being able to connect with other people. They start to doubt themselves. They focus on scarcity and all the things they’re lacking. They start to compare themselves to other people (a “never-win” game) and they start feeling bad about themselves. Then comes the avoidance, the isolation and the self-destructive behavior.
I know where my bad self-esteem stems from – but it’s easier to get bad self-esteem than eliminating it. It only takes one word, one action, one trauma to lose your self-esteem. But it takes a lot of hard work to get it back.
I’ve been brainwashed by some people to think I’m worthless, pathetic, incapable, stupid, weak and submissive (and by media to think I’m fat and ugly), so I guess I just have to brainwash myself back to normal. Because I’m none of those things. I have to increase the volume of the good frequency thoughts about myself and lower the volume on the bad frequency thoughts. In with the positive, out with the bad.
Lonely at the top
I am feeling a bit emotional. Week after week I’ve been pushing through difficulties and health problems with a strength I did’t knew I possessed. I was so close to another depression, and it wasn’t long ago, perhaps only a month or so. I’ve done hard work and it has paid off. But liberating yourself from everything you’ve ever known to be real and true – old convictions and belief systems (which works as an engine for your behavior) is not easy. This process of independence has been really painful.
Many people experience an unbearable loneliness when they’re at the bottom of their lives. When they are heartbroken, ill or just lost. For me, it’s been the opposite. Whenever I’ve broken free from bad things or people, I’ve become more and more lonely, not because I’m isolating myself but because I have grown out of my old world and the people in it. When I’ve reached a place of success and independence, I’ve felt both punished for it by people but I’ve also felt a sense of being without any guidance (the price of going your own way) – and it is such a foreign feeling and makes me feel anxious at times. When you are so used to being told what to do, what to be, what to think, feel or say, it’s hard to suddenly stand there without anyone pulling the strings, which are connected to your mind and body and makes you act exactly the way they want.
Silencio by Mia Makila, 2015 (digital)
When I’ve been weak, I’ve been rewarded and comforted. I’ve had people taking care of me, supporting me through life. I got used to it. And I forgot that it is my responsibility, not theirs.
I am not a victim anymore. I am not helpless. I am not powerless. My mind doesn’t have a puppeteer. I no longer need to be what other people want me to be to them. No, correction; I no longer allow anyone to treat me like a puppet.
2010, Stockholm
I’ve grown out of many truths, worlds, relationships and roles. As I am becoming more and more me and less what other people have demanded me to be, I feel both liberated and lonely. But I guess everything has a price. Even inner freedom.
I know my mind works on a very different frequency than most people. I know I am softer than most people, more open – and people refer me as “genuine” and I love that, and people seem to love it too – but it all makes me lonely because I don’t fit people’s expectations of me. Of me as an artist, as a woman, a Swede, a person of my age, or whatever. I am my own work in progress. I do things my way. I am weak at times and I am strong at times. I am not perfect but I’m not broken or bitter and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me. (I suddenly understand what Johnny meant with “just be Mia”).
I know that if I allow myself to grow out of this place of trauma recovery and healing and become independent and free – I will become even more lonely. But this time I am ready for it and I’ve accepted the deal.
Once I am ready, I’ll be reaching for the top. There is no other way to look when you’re at the bottom. That’s the good thing with being down there – you have time to figure out exactly where your top is and how to get there. Let’s call it the perks of being defeated by life.
I see my top and it has a spectacular view.
Weak vs Strong
If I want to let go of self doubt, I first need to define what I am doubting in myself and where it comes from. And it most likely comes from a judgment – but am I judging myself or am I projecting someone else’s judgment onto myself?
I’ve noticed that I start to doubt myself when I feel vulnerable and therefore weak. But it’s strange because I don’t see vulnerability as a weakness so why do I feel weak when I am being vulnerable? It is of course one of the most common misinterpretations that showing yourself vulnerable makes you weak, it’s why men don’t cry and why men think a woman who are vulnerable makes an easy prey and take advantage of her. But if you think about it – isn’t it more weak to not be authentic and to numb emotions because of fear of being judged as weak by others? You can’t be authentic unless you are vulnerable – you can’t make authentic art if you’re not willing to get undressed and embrace vulnerability. In fact, “vulnerability is where fear and courage meet” (Brene Brown). And a man who takes advantage of a woman in a vulnerable state is more weak because he’s going after an easy prey instead of showing her respect and empathy. To me, that’s so weak. To think you are strong because you take advantage of what you consider to be something weak. It’s also gross.
I started to think about how and when I feel weak.
I feel weak when I disappoint my parents. I feel weak when I am not perfect because I fear other people’s judgment. I feel weak when I can’t live up to other people’s expectations of me. I feel weak when I am sick or in a bad place. And when I feel weak I feel worthless, stressed, not worthy of love or happiness, I feel unseen, lonely, abandoned, unsafe and hurt. So basically – when I’m not ‘perfect’ in the eyes of others (especially in my parents’ eyes). That’s when I start feeling weak and worthless. Not worthy of love. That’s when I start to doubt myself – but since it’s very hard to be perfect and live up to other people’s expectations, I pretty much doubt myself all the time. No wonder I’m having a hard time with this.
So then I started making lists.
Lists of what I THINK my parents definition of when I’m being weak – but also how I define being weak. And I got some surprising results. Not only did I pinpoint their definition of a weak person (and it was so much to live up to in order to be a ‘good daughter’ – totally exhausting!) – but I also found that my own definition of being weak, had nothing to do with my own weaknesses. It really surprised me.
Here’s my list of what a weak person is to me:
- Doesn’t want to look at themselves on a deeper level
- Scared of being authentic and genuine, scared of meeting their true nature
- Afraid of the uncomfortable (confrontations, conflicts, difficult truths, emotional challenges, personal growth, change, bursting bubbles etc)
- Unempathetic people or people not wanting or caring to connect with other people’s feelings, thoughts, behavior or situation
- Opinions unsupported by knowledge
- Losing oneself to other people’s expectations (yes, that I’m guilty of)
While studying these lists, I can see that I don’t share the same idea of weakness as my parents, even though I’ve tried to live up to their vision of what a strong person should be and look like. I’ve not been following my own ideals. I’ve been on the wrong path for so long – but what I relief that I found this realization so I can start following a new one. My own.
I have felt weak when I’m not living up to other people’s expectations even though I don’t share their idea of what those expectations mean to me. My state of perfection is not the same as theirs. My definition of weakness is not the same as theirs. My idea of strength is not the same as theirs. So why try to live up to a perfection that I don’t even feel connected to? I don’t even like perfection. In fact, I loathe it. Look at my art. The characters are all flawed. They are not perfect. Their skin is falling off, their features are asymmetrical, they have scars and wounds on their bodies and they sweat, bleed or pee themselves at times.
“In Heaven Everything” is Fine by Mia Makila, 2012.
I have to stop trying to be the perfect me in the eyes of my parents, my audience and any other people – because I have my own definition of perfection, strength and weakness. I know my limitations and weaknesses and I’m working on them so I can overcome them, one by one. What more could be asked of me? Are the people who are judging me doing that? Are they working hard to overcome their own weaknesses and shortcomings like I am doing? Or are they judging because it makes them feel stronger? Do they judge others because they are afraid to be judged themselves? Or do they judge other people like they are judging themselves?
I will continue to work on this theme because it’s an important discovery that will liberate myself from other people’s judgment. Their judgment has been a dark cloud on my sky for so long, it’s time to clean the sky and bring back the clear blue colors and the warm light.
The meteorite
My collection of babies is growing…
My sleeping habits are back to normal and it makes my health improve faster. I’m listening to classical music and trying to relax as much as I can. Stress is a sneaky thing and since the physical symptoms are so connected to the psychological mechanisms of being under too much pressure, it’s hard to treat it with medicine – the best thing is to meditate and do the things that makes you feel good. For me that’s taking walks, listening to classical music, laughing, meditating, being creative and using my imagination, being around positive people and embracing the love I have around me.
My stress is so easily triggered when my trauma wound is exposed (PTSD is after all a stress disorder), when I encounter aggressive or highly negative energy, when I start to doubt myself and feeling like I’m not good enough – so that’s what I have to work on right now. I’m so used to being judged by people (close to me) that I’m confused about the whole thing – for me being judged is the new normal and it’s become all twisted. I need to sort it out.
The self-doubt is without a doubt (no pun intended!) my biggest obstacle in order for me to reach the next step in my self-empowering process. It’s like this big meteorite that comes crashing into everything I’m building for myself. It’s destructive. Once I stop doubting myself, I will start to believe in myself more – and then nothing or no one can stop me from reaching any of my dreams and goals – not even myself.
The wall
I’ve been to the hospital to get an examination by a dermatologist – and it turned out that all my symptoms are stress related. I guess I haven’t quite understood just how stressed I’ve been lately. Good thing I’ve found some peace of mind through meditation and that I’m working with my art again, it’s keeping me relaxed and grounded. But I still need to find more ways to unstress and release any tension. I’m going back to therapy to get more support, I’ve been through a lot since I last saw a therapist, and I’ve been dealing with difficult processes lately, perhaps I was trying to prove something to myself – that I could do this therapy work all by myself but I think my body has been trying to send me a message. Sometimes I need to ask for help but that’s not my strongest side. I guess that’s why I have to hit the wall before I understand that I need to ask for help. I need to remember that in the future.
But things will get better from now on. I am on my way and this time there will be no wall in sight.
Without bitterness
It’s like waking up from a nightmare, but it wasn’t a nightmare, it was my life. At times I’m experiencing emotional vertigo when I think about all the stupid mistakes I’ve done in my life. Why did I always make the wrong decision? For what reason did I waste my talent and time – and myself, like that? I’ve already been writing about this, how I regret my whole adult life and everything in it until now. It is without bitterness though, I know it’s not been totally wasted – it brought me here. To this amazing place of enlightenment and growth, to my very core. But I can’t help feeling sad when I think about it.
Möja, Stockholm archipelago, 2011 at a friend’s wedding
I know it’s a little extreme to regret a whole life, but it’s how I feel. I don’t regret making the art I’ve made though, so there’s that – except for the creepy-cute cupcake drawings from 2012 (career low-point):
Even if I’m writing about my past right now in this very moment, I’ve stopped looking back. Ever since I had closure on something really difficult, I’ve closed the door to my past. But I just can’t shake this feeling that I’ve wasted so much time. And it’s been so many years since I went to trauma therapy where my life started to change for the better – year by year. The process of trauma recovery and growth is very slow and takes a lot of strength and will. I feel proud of myself. If I look at this process, year by year, I can see all the important steps I’ve made:
1998-2008 – living in total chaos with abusive relationships, traumas, self-abandonment and playing different roles to make other people happy, being stressed, depressed and lost while my art career takes off and I have a little breakthrough and success (which won’t last long)
2009 – my creativity blockage starts, feeling mentally paralyzed, moving to Stockholm to escape my problems, it feels amazing for about 6 months
2010 – giving up my art career and losing myself completely, depressed and isolated
2011 – diagnosed with PTSD
2012 – trauma treatment at Danderyd hospital, breaking the creativity blockage by starting to work with digital art
2013 – another trauma treatment at another clinic, experiencing a big wake up call, feeling like my whole life is a lie, wanting to break free but don’t know how to because I have no income and nowhere to go
2014 – breaking up with my boyfriend, leaving Stockholm and my old life behind, moving back to my hometown to start from scratch because I’m broke and kind of homeless (living temporarily in my parent’s house)
2015 – creating a new life for myself by taking control of my situation – finding an apartment, work rehabilitation, self-empowerment work by making research and self-therapy, shaking off an old thinking style based on fear and avoidance. Painting again. Starting a long-distance relationship with Johnny from California.
2016 – Finding my inner strength, reconnecting myself to my body and core, start using my intellect and stop belittling myself to make other people feel more comfortable around me, creating boundaries and being more clear about them, getting my anxiety and stress under control with meditation, acceptance and a new sense of awareness. Making important closure so I can move on and leaving my past behind (killing the last PTSD symptoms).
10 years:
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
What will 2017 mean to me and my journey? I can’t wait to find out. I hope 2017 will be about finding a job so I’m able to invest money in new art projects. The money issue is really the last problem I have yet to solve, the only thing left from my past to take care of. It shouldn’t be that difficult. I’ve come a long way since everything in my life was a cluster of chaos, stress and fear. This is why I am able to regret my past 20 years without any bitterness. Finding home is not easy, but home is home. And I wouldn’t want to be without this discovery for anything in the world. I am home. What could be more satisfying.
On the other side
A day of creativity and just dancing around in my apartment because I feel so great. I’ve missed feeling like this. I have so much to give. To share. I have so much I want to accomplish. So much I wish to experience. My body and mind are so connected and they want to reach out and touch every layer of life that I haven’t had access to before. Oh, how I long for the life that’s waiting for me on the other side of being this broke.
“Fleurs De Finge” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]
!["Fleurs De Finge" by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]](https://miamakila.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/fleurs_de_fringe.jpg)
“Fleurs De Finge” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]
OK, so I’m finally done with “Fleurs De Fringe” – my tribute to one of my favorite sci-fi TV series; “Fringe” and the flowers which are of significance in the show – the white tulip, the mutated daisy and the humble little dandelion. I know this is totally nerdy and all, but it gave me an opportunity to practice my technique in digital collage and practice makes perfect.
Now, on to the next project…
MIA MAKILA 