Tag: ART

The flow

Leave a comment
15380825_10154144429117654_4196688384998401545_n

Trying to capture panic in “The Wound”

I am really painting again. No self-doubt, no hesitation, no fear – just me having fun in the studio. And even if the subject matter is very disturbing and painful for me, I don’t feel sad or anxious while working – I’m just letting it all out and as it leaves my heart and end up on the canvas, I am healing even more. Last night I ended up in that wonderful flow of creativity and passion that I’ve missed so much and I couldn’t sleep because of the rush from the flow.

One of the best things I’ve done lately is to define what my idea of ‘the perfect artistic expression’ is to me. I made a list of what I’m trying to achieve with my artistic voice, and if I just follow the list I will have no reason to doubt myself or compare myself to other artists:

  1. Capture strong emotions in their primitive state

  2. Use vivid colors

  3. Find a balance between light/dark and playful/serious

  4. Simplicity and a clear composition (no unnecessary details or a realistic approach)

  5. The expression should not be flattering or perfect in an obvious way

  6. The expression has to feel like ‘home’ to me

“Fleurs De Finge” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]

Leave a comment
"Fleurs De Finge" by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]

“Fleurs De Finge” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]

OK, so I’m finally done with “Fleurs De Fringe” – my tribute to one of my favorite sci-fi TV series; “Fringe” and the flowers which are of significance in the show – the white tulip, the mutated daisy and the humble little dandelion. I know this is totally nerdy and all, but it gave me an opportunity to practice my technique in digital collage and practice makes perfect.

Now, on to the next project…

The bald and the beautiful

Leave a comment

What a strange night. The church bells kept ringing for an hour. In the morning, I woke up to rain and feeling slightly off. But I’m working again, painting on ‘The Wound’. and coming up with new ideas for more paintings. It’s funny, every time I add hair to my characters, it ruins the whole expression. I can’t do hair for some reason. I ended yesterday’s work with making the character bald and I felt better about it.

Some of my baldies:

“Scrollan” by Mia Makila, 2009, acrylic on canvas
“The Idiot” by Mia Makila, 2016
“Gary the Ghost” by Mia Makila, 2010

And characters with hair:

“His Wet Dream” by Mia Makila (acrylic on wooden panel), 2015
“Death to the American Dream” by Mia Makila, 2008
“Manic Mandy” by Mia Makila, 2013

I’ve been losing a lot of hair this year, due to stress, and it is one of my biggest nightmares to become bald and completely hairless. I love my hair, it makes me feel feminine and beautiful. A lot of my sexuality is in my hair, I don’t know how to explain it.

Perhaps the core expressions – embodied in my demons, have to be as bald as they are bold because they are not about gender, identity or beauty. They are human, deeply intimate – channeling our inner child and spirit and who we are at the core. Something that is real and raw and connects us all. Hair is a superficial part of the human body – I go deeper than that. My demons even lack skin. So to put a fancy hairdo on top of their heads is like decorating a Christmas tree, it takes away from what they want to say. What I want to say. What the core has to say.

Various degrees of intimacy

2 Comments

miamakila

Some week ago, I wrote about how I’ll study my creativity as a scientist to see if I use it as rest or play (work), but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not about that. I use my creativity as both rest and play and it’s relaxing, fun and hard work at the same time. What I’ve discovered is how I use the different techniques and media to express myself – I am always driven by my core and what it has to say and therefore my creativity is a very intimate force. The digital expressions, writing, digital art, poetry are all based on my innermost feelings and thoughts but I am more flexible here. I can weave my personal stories into a more general expression, something that concerns other people. But with my analogue art – such as painting, mixed media, drawings etc, I feel more protective of the pieces. They don’t concern other people, only me. My analogue art is my most intimate expression, perhaps that’s why it’s so linked to my sexual energy.

“Out of Reach” by Mia Makila, 2016
“The Core” by Mia Makila, 2016, acrylic on canvas, 81 x 100 cm
Baby Blue
The Remains I & II

My digital art, painting, drawing and mixed media.

 “There’s clearly a connection between your creativity and your sexuality – what is it?”, my therapist once asked me. I didn’t understand it at the time. I answered; “Perhaps it’s where I am most traumatized?”, but that isn’t it. During the 7 years where I was creatively blocked, I had a recurring nightmare about pooping in public. “The excrement is your flow, it’s a wishful dream.” She said when I told her about it. And I get it now. The flow of something very intimate that I release in the public arena.  It’s coming from me – it’s produced inside me and it’s a mix of old things that my mind, heart and soul have digested and turned into something else. Something new, that want’s to be released. I make something beautiful out of the crap that happened to me in my past. My paintings and drawings are as close as you can get to my core, without knowing anything about me.

"Sex Monster", 2013

“Sex Monster”, 2013

a_horny_shedevil

“A horny she-devil”, 2010

I used to feel forced to produce paintings and mixed media pieces for art shows and collectors and that’s when I got all burned out and stopped working. I got blocked, lost my momentum, my self confidence and my ambition to work as an artist. No wonder, that’s not how I’m supposed to treat my analogue art. It is far too precious and magical to me to be used as a cash cow. It’s like selling your soul. I can never go back to working like that again. I have to find a new approach to my art as something I can make money on.

Pictures from my art show “My Pink Hell” in Copenhagen, 2009:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The stories behind my art: “Meltdown”

Leave a comment
the_meltdown

‘Meltdown’ by Mia Makila, 2012 [digital]

An early draft:

wip

work in progress – ‘The Meltdown’

Detail studies:

detail2detail1

My diary, March 7, 2012:

“Wow. At last I’m in the glorious flow of creativity again. It’s been years since I’ve felt this way. I’m working all the time – yesterday I sat 11 hours straight in front of PhotoShop. There are no words for what I’m feeling right now. I’m in love with all that life entails. Even the pain that comes with it. I feel all tingly inside. Horny too – as I always feel when I am in this flow.

But next week I start my trauma treatment at the Crisis and Trauma Center at Danderyd’s hospital. Hope my creativity flow will continue even during  this new time of therapy. Maybe I can even use what I am experiencing in my PTSD treatment in my new art. I hope so.

My new art is the most honest I’ve created so far. It exposes who I really, really am. Somewhere between light and darkness – and where the light dominates the dark.

I don’t know where my art will bring me right now, but I don’t mind not knowing. I follow all the impulses of my excitement.”

Rest and play

Leave a comment

This flu is merciless, but I am still able to meditate and I’ve found some amazing places within myself. I never though I would be able to meditate and I don’t know if I’m doing it right but at least I am getting some peace of mind during the sessions. I’m keeping a meditation diary because I’m finding answers and keys to unlock insecurities and fears as I am traveling within myself. It’s quite incredible.

mia3

I’ve discovered the importance of balance – both a sense of an inner and a physical balance – and a balance when it comes to rest vs play (work).  And I am now faced with an important question; is my creativity part of rest or is it play? Do I use my creativity to relax or as work? Perhaps the answer will change everything. Perhaps my art is not suppose to be what I do for a living – perhaps that’s why it has been keeping me from feeling the magical lust and flow when I am creating. If so – then I’ve been pushing myself in the wrong direction. I have to experiment to see how I am supposed to use my creativity – maybe I can use my writing and digital art as wok but the painting process is more about relaxation and self-intimacy than it is about working to make money. We’ll see. I will study myself as a scientist until I’ll know the answer.

A memory

Leave a comment

603675_10151077375097654_2037364131_n

Meeting the American artist Jenn Porreca in Stockholm, 2012.

I haven’t heard from Jenn in a few years now. In fact, it seems like nobody knows where she is at the moment. I hope she’s fine. Jenn Porreca is a great painter and her strength is in the way she portrays vulnerability with confidence and style.

Making friends with my demons

Leave a comment
dsc07635

Smoking Demon by Mia Makila, 2006 (acrylic on canvas)

Part of my self-acceptance process is to find a way to make friends with my demons. To accept them rather than trying to eliminate them (that’s not possible anyway). I’m also dealing with this process in a secret writing project. Once again, my creativity is helping me get through something difficult and powerful. I am so grateful. I am also painting and trying not to judge the results. My new attitude is that everything I produce has some good in it. And why aim for making a masterpiece or the ‘best painting I’ve ever done’ – why put so much pressure on myself? It’s crazy. However a painting turns out – it’s good enough – and I am good enough. I don’t have to be more than that. I guess this means that I am making friends with my “good girl” demon. I know why she’s like that, why she’s looking for perfection and where she is coming from. It’s the classic “good girl” complex from childhood family patterns.

me with a little tent that I loved to decorate

Me with a little play tent that I loved to decorate

I’ve been feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and  looking for their approval all my life. To satisfy their need to feel safe or seen and to make them feel connected to things. I guess that behavior has spilled over into my art as well, trying to satisfy my audience. I’ve been writing about this before. I only need to satisfy myself and to enjoy myself while painting. I don’t need to be or to do more than that. It’s such a simple equation but for me it’s very difficult to change this behavior that’s been so ingrained in my way of thinking and being. But I am doing my best.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up with anxiety and I’ve started to grind my teeth in my sleep. I’m waking up in the morning, all tense and tired. I hope I can find a job soon, it’s not good for me to be alone like this, all days and nights. I miss Johnny so terribly. It feels so unnatural to have your love living a separate life on the other side of the world.  As soon as I’ll get an income we will start the process with the migration board. Can’t wait.

Making friends with my demons – with my anxiety and fear, is not easy. But I can’t have them as my enemies anymore, or they’ll kill me (probably in my sleep).

“The Fourth Eye”

Leave a comment
"The Fourth Eye" by Mia Makila, 2015 [digital]

“The Fourth Eye” by Mia Makila, 2015 [digital]

It’s the year of the fool
no sun is laughing
in the  hotel of traveling lies.

I’m breastfeeding the beast within
screaming

while you cum inside another watermelon.

MM – 15

“I am proud that you yelled at me when you are angry. I am happy when you say no when I ask if I can pee in your mouth. I love when you ask me to finger fuck a watermelon because they are expressions of your true voice and that is Mia.” 

– what someone wrote to me in 2015 and it inspired the poem above that inspired the digital piece.

And also this:

His Wet Dream (acrylic on wooden panel)

His Wet Dream (acrylic on wooden panel)

Thoughts through the autumn rain

Leave a comment

It’s a rainy Sunday afternoon. The trees are colored in all the warm nuances I can think of. I’m feeling better but I’m still not well. I went to a massage place earlier this week and the masseuse told me my neck and my shoulders are tense and hard like concrete.  Of course they are, I’ve been going through many heavy things for a long period of time and I’ve been very inactive. It’s funny, I tried to take care of my body but got so worried and stressed that I made everything worse. I am so out of sync with myself. I am working so hard to overcome my fears that I forget about my body. I have only been connected between body-mind-soul for a year or so, I guess it will take some time to find a good balance. It was so much easier to live in the disconnection, because I could just go on neglecting one part of me or another without feeling the consequences. I often go back to read my therapy notes from the time where I began my process of reconnecting, it is a sad display of self-neglect and confusion: “Mind = truth, Heart = can not trust, Body = stranger”.

.

Marianne

Marianne by Mia Makila. 2011 (acrylic on panel)

My body-mind disconnection is visible in my art as well, where the characters are missing limbs and have enlarged heads.

.

I need to find a way to take care of every part of my existence; mind/body/heart/soul/core and celebrate the wonderful things they bring me. I have to live healthy in all parts. I want to liberate them from their old cages, chains and limitations. I will try to focus more on the good things. To be in the moment with my body, my mind and my soul. To laugh. Often. And loud. To be creative. Focused. Using uninhibited and unlimited imagination. I want to dance. Hard. Wildly. To feel the love I get. To feel it all the way. Deeper. To take longer walks. And meditate. To let go of negative energy. To shake it off.

The box

Leave a comment

The mysterious blue box in Lynch’s Mulholland Drive (2001)

I’m getting great professional guidance while looking for a job so I can finance my future art projects. It’s hard for me to find a job since I don’t have much work experience in the “real world”. I’ve worked in a few museums as a receptionist but that’s about it. Talking to various job coaches I’ve come to realize something interesting about myself. When it comes to “thinking outside the box”, I’ve never thought inside the box – and I don’t even have a box! I’ve never seen the box!  I’m utterly box-less! And this is the reason why it’s so very hard for me to find a job but also keeping a job.

To be without a box is what freedom is all about and something very positive to me. But it does cause problems when I’m supposed to function in the world outside myself. Society is all about inside-or-outside-the box thinking, but the is no room for a person like me who doesn’t understand the concept of either of them. I don’t know how to suddenly find a box so I can think inside or outside it – or how to use this box-less way of thinking as a resource in a work place instead of it being a shortcoming.

img_20161001_105624

As an artist, a life without the box is essential and necessary in order for the imagination to run free and wild. The only box I have and need, is my own core.

Perhaps I can create my own box or study the one most people seem to have a relationship to, so I can play by the rules of the real world. I don’t know if it’s possible or even a good idea, I just discovered this and I need to understand it more. I believe it’s a good thing to be box-less but it makes everything more complicated. I wish I knew where I belong in this world that’s full of unknown boxes and the different approaches and proximity to them. I wish it was easier for me to adjust to it all.

The cat

Leave a comment

I’m starting to feel more relaxed. The summer is dying and all my troubles seem to fade with its death. My health is improving but I’ve lost a lot of hair, perhaps because of all the medicine and the penicillin, but most likely from all the emotional stress. I have to accept that I am highly sensitive to stress. In fact, all the recent health issues have pushed me forward in the process of self-acceptance. For the first time in my life I am forced to deal with my physical vulnerability while I am connected to mind, body and soul. I am out of the dissociative behavioral pattern, I am slowly beginning to explore my physical self without separating it from my mind or consciousness. It is a strange thing to be this connected to oneself – because I am suddenly aware of every part of me like they are newly added to my body. It is an odd combination with my hypochondria and at times I feel worried I would lose all my teeth, more hair or get really sick. I think this physical awakening is a phase of self-protection and self-compassion – I have allowed situations where my body has been abused in so many ways (by others but also by myself) and this new awareness is the first step to a new acceptance, forgiveness and forming a new sense of self-worth and self-respect.

Perhaps that’s what my recurring dream about the forgotten cat is about;  for years I’ve had this nightmare where I hear a soft whimpering noise coming from behind a sofa, I pull out the sofa and see a very thin and dying cat and that’s when I remember that I have a pet that I haven’t seen or fed in months. The cat is covered in dust and it’s starving. I feel so guilty. The fur is coming off and is covered with eyes, all blinking and looking at me. The cat wants me to pet it but I feel disgusted and creeped out. I slowly approach it with my hand and pet the fur and I can feel the glossy eye balls against the palm of my hand.

The cat is obviously me – or a representation of my body (I would use cat or lioness to describe my inner animal and I have lots of dreams where they appear) and I have failed to give it attention and love.

I’ve made some artworks based on this recurring nightmare, perhaps I’ll make more. It stills haunts me.

“The Nightmare” by Mia Makila, 2010

I won’t ever abandon myself again. It is the biggest crime you can commit to yourself while being alive on this Earth. Self-abandonment leads to so much suffering and the lack of self-compassion is the first step to any destructive thought or action. This season of health problems has taught me so much about just that.

A new language

1 Comment

walter-the-tulip

ksfringe65

The white tulips of “Fringe” (TV series)

I haven’t been able to work due to the monthly invasion of ‘dark’ hormones. I feel utterly unfocused and distant – but even so, I feel deeply connected to my inner world and every day I sense something new approaching – like I am subconsciously learning a new language within my own creativity and imagination. I see new visions, new ideas are forming with ease and without resistance. It feels really good. But what are all these new things I see inside my mind? As soon as the hormones have passed, I will try to find out. I especially want to make a digital piece inspired by the mythology of the white tulip in Fringe.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own personal mythology and how I could use it more in my art. I have about 30 notebooks with therapy notes, there are so many personal symbols and whole new iconography in there. It will be fun to explore them outside the notebooks for a change. I think this was exactly what Hilma Af Klint did in her art, almost exactly a hundred years ago.

04_hilmaafklint_schwan_hamburger-bahnhof_hilma-af-klint_pioneer-of-abstraction-440x436

Hilma af Klint, The Swan, No. 17, Group IX/SUW, The SUW/UW Series (1915)

rsz_img_20160327_212355

From my notebook earlier this year

There are so many emotions and memories I wish to share with the world – both to tell my story but also to take my research about dissecting the soul to a new level. Perhaps I’ll be a little art-philosopher one day, who knows. First, I have to learn how to use this new language so I know how to tell the story right.

There’s a story waiting to be told

Leave a comment

From one of the computer folders of my digital artworks

I’m feeling excited about building this new art show. This is the first phase of creating a collection of digital works and I will make a million changes in the selection and add more to it as I’m creating new ones. I will also incorporate other expressions – paintings, poetry etc. It will be an art show dedicated to my spiritual (and artistic) metamorphosis.

w2

Digital works being born in my printer’s office at ProImages in Stockholm, 2013

As I am going through all the digital pieces on my computer (so many of them are yet to be printed for the first time) I can see a story unfolding in them. I’ve been working with PhotoShop as an artistic media since 2007 and I’ve reinvented myself many times since then – but ironically I started out making black and white pieces and now I am back to the monochrome palette again.

Early digital works:

“THEY” BY MIA MAKILA – 2007 (DIGITAL) Edition of 5, 36 x 44,5 cm, PRICE: 4000 SEK
“The Gathering” by Mia Makila, 2007 [digital]
“The Strange Girl” by Mia Makila, 2007 [digital]
“The Hitchockian Girl” by Mia Makila, 2007
“Bird Lady” by Mia Makila, 2007

I will try to find a way to tell this story right. To do the important and beautiful processes of spiritual awakening and the metamorphosis justice. It will be a very personal collection of works – and the story will work as closure for me to that particular chapter of my life.

Work in progress

Leave a comment

This must be one of the strangest beginnings of a digital piece ever. I am intrigued but I have no idea where I am going with this. It’ll possibly be the first collaboration pieces with Candice Angelini, but I’m not sure yet, I have to see where this takes me first. I’m deep into the forest of my imagination right now…

wip3

A quest to find a new place in the art world

Leave a comment

Exciting inner creative processes are in motion. I know what I want to accomplish next in my art career – with a future art show and it’s gonna be different from anything I’ve done before. Less shocking perhaps but more personal and poetic. It is so god damn hard to let go of my old career because it was everything I had ever dreamed about, but at the same time I couldn’t take the pressure that came with it – and it was killing my creativity. And when you think about it, it’s not a difficult choice; to choose creativity over past achievements. It’s not about looking backwards anyway – and what really kills creativity is any form of comparison, even if the comparison is to your own past achievements.

My art in the “UPSET” art book of contemporary lowbrow artists, 2010

I need a clean slate, a fresh start and a new place in the art world. I’m letting go of my old artistic position as part of a movement or style – I am my own genre and I am flexible in both expression and style.  It was very tempting and very flattering to be part of the lowbrow art movement and the pop-surrealist community, because I’ve never felt at home anywhere, socially. It was like I found my people, but at the same time it was holding me back and I started to adjust my style and the motifs to fit the movement or the group shows. I won’t do that again. I’m ok with being an outsider or at least not part of any group. The struggle will be harder when I walk alone but without compromising my artistic integrity and my genuine expression.

Although I am very proud to be one of the pioneers of the digital art movement – what I like to call “the digi wave”. I have many friends and colleagues surfing the digi wave in the art world.  Their digital techniques and expressions vary a lot. Here are some of them;

Sonya Fu

inner_child_by_sonya_fu

Aeron Alfrey

24219991991_80c88ee9d0_o

Casajordi Bousquet

4ae045de84e2084b1118ebcef226692d

Alexander Jansson

alexander-jansson-17

A language spoken not stolen

Leave a comment

For the people who are questioning the authenticity of digital art and would say “What about the ‘stolen’ images you collect from books and use in your digital collages?” I want to answer: “I paint with pictures. The images are my colors. Poets don’t invent the alphabet nor the language when they are writing their poetry.” – Mia Makila

"Still Life With Flowers and Love" by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital collage]

“Still Life With Flowers and Love” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital collage]

‘Acceptance’ is more about letting go

Leave a comment
wip

work in progress – “Out of Reach”

I’m getting nowhere with the clinics, I’m frustrated but I’m slowly recovering. The health care system in Sweden at this point is basically following the trend of the DIY movement; Do it yourself. But I’ve become pretty good at figuring out how to treat myself and I know what medical care that works and what doesn’t. As long as my health is improving, I don’t care if I have to play doctor, I hate hospital milieus anyway.

Part of my self-treatment is to let go of the stress from this summer. It’s been a lot. I have some heavy decisions to make when it comes to how I want to build my nearest future. I also have to go on defining myself as an artist – I have a feeling that I have to let go of some things to be able to push through the struggles I’m dealing with in my creativity. Something is holding me back and I know exactly what it is, but it’s hard to accept.

It’s my audience. You.

Perhaps I have to kill some darlings – your darlings – in order to continue working with my art. I know I will lose a lot of admirers, fans and collectors if my work took a different direction, if my focus point would shift from the things that brought me success and appreciation – to a whole new genre where I’m not familiar with the audience. But that is the privilege I have as an artist, to reinvent myself and my expression over and over again throughout my career. I have changed so much since my early works and my art is changing alongside my personal metamorphosis.

.

Early works:

Semi-Paradise

Semi-Paradise by Mia Makila, 2006

Alone In Hell

Alone In Hell by Mia Makila, 2006

Holiday In Hell, 2007

Holiday In Hell, 2007

.

Works from 2014-2016:

"Not a Phallus" by Mia Makila, 2014 [digital]

“Not a Phallus” by Mia Makila, 2014 [digital]

The Screaming Rug by Mia Makila, 2016 - digital.

The Screaming Rug by Mia Makila, 2016 – digital.

"A Binary Dream" by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]

“A Binary Dream” by Mia Makila, 2016 [digital]

.

My life used to be a very private version of Hell. Chaotic. Dramatic. Painful. Everything in either black or white – but at the same time burning or in flames. Now, my life is full of love, longing, sensuality and stillness. I’ve found a harmonic grey-scale (visible in my latest digital works) within the black and white.

As I am thinking about all this, a title for a future art show emerges. That is evidence that I am on the right path. Acceptance is more about letting go than it is about finding new answers. I need to accept that I can never go back to being the artist I once was – and I can’t force myself to be the artist I would love to be even though it doesn’t come natural to me. I just have to let go of my timeline of success and failure and accept the artist I’ve become, going through all that. The artist I am. Now. Celebrated for my past achievements – but not forced to live up to the expectations that came with that. I have big plans for my future art projects, but I need more money. So let’s start there.

I’m letting go of your expectations of me. Thank you for loving my art so far. It has meant so much to me. But I have to have the freedom to reinvent myself from time to time  – and you are invited to follow me on my journey, it will be a roller-coaster ride for both of us I’m sure.