Category: ART

The impotent core

1 Comment
"The Truth" by Mia Makila, 2008, acrylic on canvas

“The Truth” by Mia Makila, 2008

I have worked hard to boil down every issue I have that is connected to psychological codependency. There’s a lot of fear involved. Especially the fear of losing control. It’s one of the most common symptoms of people with codependency issues. Here are my biggest fears where loss of control is the theme:

Fear of illness
Fear of insects
Fear of unexpected and negative news or events
Fear of abandonment

But there’s more to it than the fear. It is the consequences of having weak boundaries and taking on other people’s responsibility:

Being an easy target for love bombing (I call it ‘slurping’ – it looks like a positive thing but is extremely consuming and draining)
Being an easy target for toxic relationships (being part of a very destructive psychological dance)
A loyalty crisis (not knowing if I should be loyal to myself or to other people)
Being en easy target for psychological castration (a submissive disposition and walking on eggshells – ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t)
Prone to psychological codependency (rooted in childhood)
Accepting the unacceptable (because of low self-esteem and poor boundaries)

The two categories of issues I have are both connected in the feeling of helplessness, powerlessness or being incapable of solving my own problems. But also to withstanding the external pressure of expectations and responsibility. They are both results of different childhood issues. The first category – the fear of losing control is based on the feeling of an emotional abandonment and feeling lost and vulnerable. The second category – where I lose myself to other people, is based on another childhood issue where I felt forced to be loyal and responsible and that didn’t feel natural and good.

I wish I knew more about Freud’s theories when it comes to these matters, I only have my own words for what I believe to be important details and elements to psychological codependency. I think for me, the best way to describe the state of helplessness I feel when these issues are triggered is a “psychological impotency”; an inability to have an affect on- or solve a destructive situation and to withstand heavy expectations and responsibility without losing my inner voice.

Burning Vulva

“Burning Vulva” by Mia Makila, 2010

When this type of vulnerability and powerlessness is triggered in me, I make a psychological regression. I go back to feeling like an infant. An impotent infant. My core is gagged. Censored. I am not free to be myself and to lead my own life in a potent way – or to feel the importance of my existence. In these situations I see that my boundaries are loose and flaccid, easy for others to bend or to ignore.

I wonder what my core would have let me say in all those situations and moments where I felt censored, impotent and unable to withstand outside pressure? Probably something like this:

– NO!
– YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO ME!
– YOU ARE HURTING ME!
– I DON’T LIKE YOU!
– I DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU!
– YOU ARE MEAN!
– YOU ARE DISRESPECTFUL!
– YOU ARE IGNORING MY BOUNDARIES!
– FUCK OFF!
– GO TO HELL!
– DON’T EVER COME BACK!
– I AM NOT SUBMISSIVE TO YOU!
– STOP IT!
– YOU ARE ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE!
– I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!
– I WANT TO LEAVE NOW!
– I AM LEAVING YOU!
– YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY LOVE!
– YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION!
– NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!
– DON’T PUT THE BLAME ON ME!

"The Core" by Mia Makila, 2016, acrylic on canvas, 81 x 100 cm

“The Core” by Mia Makila, 2016

As I am learning more and more about psychological codependency and how to deal with it, I am letting my core speak more freely and becoming more potent in my own existence. I am the only leader of my own life. I am the boss of my body, mind, heart and soul. My boundaries are more clear and I have new walls to protect myself from the heavy weight of other people’s expectations and responsibility. I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt but I have understood that none of that belongs to me. I was never the cause of someone else’s rage, irritation or aggression, simply because I existed. I was not to blame for making other people disappointed just because they had expectations about how I should be, act, talk, think and behave. I should not carry other people’s shame because they refuse to. I should not have to carry other people’s responsibility because they won’t.

I am only responsible for myself, my actions and for my own life. I have to learn to accept that I can’t control the world just because it has failed to keep me safe at times. I have to understand that I am not psychologically impotent or incapable of solving my own problems. Perhaps when I let go of trying to solve everyone else’s problems, I’ll be better at solving my own. I think I’ll try that for a change.

Tuesday morning

Leave a comment

I woke up feeling so happy. I am full of creativity and positive energy. I am working with my art all the time, even when I’m not in front of PhotoShop or the easel. My head is filled with sketches and ideas – and I’m also revisiting old unfinished works to take them in a new direction. Meditation is keeping me grounded, otherwise I could easily burn myself out again. But I wouldn’t change this for anything in the world. I am finally back in the place where I belong – completely free to express myself without any inhibitions. The only limitation I have at the moment is the financial one. But it won’t be long until I’ll find a job.

I’ve also been watching a bunch of amazing documentaries lately:

Weiner (2016)
O.J: Made In America (2016)
Bright Lights (2016)
The Investigator (2016)
Amanda Knox (2016)
The Fear of 13 (2015)
Holy Hell (2016)
The murder Detectives (2015)
Amy (2015)
Queen Mimi (2015)
The Witness (2015)
Hitchcock/Truffaut (2015)
Everything is Copy (2015)
Wide Awake (2006)

And I am making great notes about codependency. Making research about things I have issues with really helps me form new paths in my brain for a healthier way of thinking and a different set of positive behavioral patterns. But I will write about that in another post.

Leaving the girl behind

2 Comments

I have been craving silence for a few days. I needed both the time and space to get through a process of reliving childhood memories and to look at family patterns in an absolutely honest way. Honest to me. This is my truth and I don’t share it with anyone else. Looking at something that way can make you feel really lonely – but it’s necessary for acceptance and understanding. It is part of the healing process.

Me, having fun in the waves

Me, having fun in the waves (ca. 1986)

When it comes to breaking familiar and destructive patterns – in behavior or in relationships (or both), they are often rooted in the childhood and that’s where you have to start looking. I can see that both my present anxiousness and fear has been part of my mind’s texture since I was a little girl, trying to please adult people and family so I could avoid being scolded or the source of anyone’s rage.

Anger, rage and yelling still makes me highly uncomfortable and anxious. I am now able to follow this fear of anger throughout my life – and perhaps it is a reason why I have such trouble with expressing it. I do express it through my art though. That is where I feel safe enough to confront my own rage and explosive energy. But even in some artworks, I’m holding back by using smiling demons or a sense of humor.

Baby Blue

Baby Blue by Mia Makila, 2014

Going back to find the root of this fear of anger has been healthy and it’s worked like a catharsis. I have never been able to understand the nature of rage and anger in my life. I could not fathom how I could be the source of such rage. An in my adult life, I have been victimized because of it – but also attracted to it. Subconsciously I have been trying to find it in different men so I could try to control it, master it and tame it. But it just created codependency and a deeply submissive disposition –  and it made me repress my own rage even further down.

I have a lot of unexpressed rage. I only get angry when I feel safe in a relationship, if I don’t feel like I am allowed to get angry, I will push it back and it disappears – or I guess it doesn’t really. It is still there but I don’t have access to it. Only in my creativity where I am able to explore it in a safe setting where I feel in control.

img_0533

A photo project from when I was a teenager – I worked with themes of vulnerability and fear back then too

I was a happy little girl. I loved the freedom I had in my mind where I could create any world of magic and control reality – because I could not control real life. I had a good childhood and I was deeply loved. But there are wounds and flaws in my childhood, just like in any other person’s childhood. I did not feel seen in my fear of anger – and I stood completely powerless in front of it. It makes sense now why I’ve spent most of my artistic life creating little girls and vulnerable creatures. I have been seeking comfort for my childhood fears and an outlet for the vulnerability I felt as a young girl. I’ve tried to rescue other people because I felt like I wasn’t rescued in moments of fear. I have been looking in all the wrong places for healing until now.

It is quite impossible to change anything if you are not becoming aware of the wound. It is impossible to change if you are not willing to sacrifice the overcompensation, the false identity that is masking the wound, self defense mechanisms and survival strategies. Only by sacrificing the certainty of knowing who you are and daring to look for the roots of your suffering,  is it possible to change. It is very painful, it takes a lot of effort and time – but it will eventually lead you back to something that feels absolutely true and genuine. A feeling of coming home. Safe and sound.

I am leaving the little girl behind because I am providing that comfort for myself now. And my art will always be a place to explore the things that makes me anxious and scared. I am lucky to have such a playground for my repressed emotions. That way, I am never really lost in them – but only one brushstroke away from healing.

The Rage

The Rage by Mia Makila, 2012

The beautiful ruins

Leave a comment

15894960_10154248252577654_6998066701984915890_n

Studying psychological codependecy

While studying the patterns of psychological codependency, I start to tear down my own world as I have known it to be. The things I used to consider to be signs of security turns out to be something completely different and what I used to think of as menacing looks less dark in the light of my new knowledge. It is confusing but fascinating. Little details suddenly works like keys to unlock the bigger picture – and the bigger picture ease the tension in the details. And I observe myself as a child with eyes of pure compassion and understanding. I follow that child into adulthood and observe her while she’s making all those bad decisions, making so many painful mistakes and I feel all the feelings she’s feeling – good and bad, and I can understand why she did all the things she did and felt all the things she felt. It wasn’t her fault. She was not to blame for making those mistakes. The only thing she is responsible for is where she is going from here. This is a beautiful healing process, even if I’m standing in the middle of the ruins of my old world.

1+1=1

Leave a comment

Natascha Kampusch, before the kidnapping

Learning about this psychological codependency issue is opening my eyes to so many new discoveries about myself. Discoveries about my worst fears and my deepest desires. It’s perhaps even connected to my choice of not having any children. And why I don’t want to get a car, a house or a pet. Feeling responsible for someone else or getting something I have to be responsible for, is a heavy weight on me. I have been writing many times about my recurring nightmare where I suddenly realize I have a cat which I’ve neglected for a long time. I start to look for it and find it, all frail and weak behind a sofa. The fur is covered with eyes and it’s staring at me – begging me to take care of it. I feel so guilty and stressed. It meows and wants me to pet it, but I’m disgusted and reluctant to touch it. But I know I have to pet it, because I’m responsible for its survival. It is my duty to love it, to take care of it. As I’m petting it, I can feel the glossy texture of the eyeballs against my palms and it gives me the chills.

unnamed-7

The core issue for me in my psychological codependency, is a state of crisis in the loyalty. Should I be loyal to myself or to the other person? If I make them happy by doing what they want me to do, then I feel good – even though I might not want to do it and in the end makes me suffer. At least it makes me a good person. If I choose my own happiness over other people’s wants, I upset them and they treat me bad because I’ve been a selfish person. That way I’m feeling unhappy even when I do what’s best for me – whether it’s a simple “no” or leaving an abusive person or a destructive situation. That is why I have been avoiding it – and why I’ve been loyal to the other person instead of being loyal to myself. To make them happy is to create peace but suffering, to make myself happy is to create possible abandonment and abuse – and in the end more suffering. No wonder I haven’t been able to feel happy or content in any relationship. It’s such a lose-lose situation.

1565e126d2d6446b7e09a53002a10f1d

The most romantic thing I used to know, were the words: “We are one. 1+1=1”. I can see how twisted it is now. And where that thought stems from. It is the formula of codependency and losing myself to someone else. That’s when I stop working with my art. That’s when I stop believing in myself. Where I no longer matter to myself. The only thing that matters is the “=1”. I thought I was being passionate, but I was just a textbook example of a classic codependency behavioral pattern.

When I look at this now, I can see that the false calculation of “1+1=1” is not the most romantic thing I know – it is in fact the scariest thing I know. Perhaps that is why kidnappers who build secret chambers in their basements to keep the victim locked away for years, is my number one fear. Once, Johnny and I had a conversations about our biggest fears. I asked him: “which of these three encounters would scare you the most: 1. An angry gorilla. 2. A hungry shark. 3. A psychopath looking for a victim to kidnap and torture.?”

Johnny wouldn’t want to meet the angry gorilla. He said there was after all a chance of surviving a shark attack and even escape the psychopath, but not an enraged gorilla. I had another answer: “I choose death over the chance of having my life and destiny in the hands of a psychopath. I can’t imagine any bigger horror than being completely powerless and dependent on the psychopath’s will and wishes. The suffering is a long process of depersonalization and psychological torture, that has to be more horrific than being killed in an attack from one of those animals. At least then you are ripped to pieces and dead in a few minutes or hours.”

28f33film-380667

The story of Natascha Kampusch and her life in a tiny cellar, told in the film “3,096 Days”

I am not afraid of the dark, nor am I scared of monsters and ghosts. I create horror in my art, so it takes a lot scare me with superficial horror elements. That being said, I am scared of many things – but they are all related to a psychological tension where I feel powerless and not able to feel free.

I guess that is why the only thing that’s ever scared the bejesus out of me are the bizarre stories about the Fritzl case – and the kidnapping of Natascha Kampusch. She was only 10 when she was kidnapped and held in a secret cellar by Wolfgang Přiklopil. He made sure that she was completely dependent on him for survival (he was the only one who knew where she was, he was her caretaker and she needed him to be healthy and safe in order for him to bring her food and water, so she cared for him deeply) and he changed her name, shaved her head, made her do things against her will and abused her for more than 8 years until she finally escaped (and when she did, he jumped in front of a train). She survived it. She survived my worst nightmare. I have so much respect for her.

– My friend and singer/songwriter Eva Eastwood wrote this song based on our conversations about something we had in common; being codependent and being too entangled in someone else’s toxic behavior.

All these insights are important in my process of independence. I am freeing myself from the weight of other people’s expectations and wishes – for me to be weak, strong, dependent, quiet, stupid, submissive, dominant or whichever role they’ve need me to play to fill the void in their hearts and minds. I am no longer a quick fix for their wounded souls. 

Melting layers of lies

Leave a comment

The more I am working on my self esteem and dealing with the codependency issue, I am finding more and more strength and optimism. It’s not like I used to be empty and now I am filling a hole in myself – it’s the opposite; I am peeling off layer after layer of twisted self images and other people’s weight that they’ve put on me.

The Mask by Mia Makila, 2009

The Mask by Mia Makila, 2009

I remember when I started this inner journey and made paintings about melting masks and faces changing skin. And I’ve been doing exactly that in real life too. All the lies are melting away. The pain too. And so much fear.

Since I haven’t been working this intensely with my art for a long time, my wrist and right arm is a bit sore and strained. I’ve actually done more artworks during these first two weeks of 2017 than I did during the whole year of 2014.

I keep losing so much hair, I am scared that if it continues, I will go completely bald. But I can’t stress about it since stress is what’s causing my hair to fall out in the first place. Perhaps I’ll end up looking like my bald demons. I hope not.

There are so many good things happening right now, yet my life is still the same. I think I’ve just found the first heartbeat of life. I thought it would be difficult to find, since I’ve been isolated in my apartment for many years – but it’s like we are equally curious of each other, both me and life.

An experimental phase

Leave a comment

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wasted so much time – and that time is so very precious. I am waking up from a million mistakes and I can’t afford to waste more time on the wrong things. It stresses me but also motivates me and keeps me inspired me at the same time. I have so much I want to do. I have so much to give. So many things I want to prove to myself.

wip3

work in progress

When it comes to my digital work, I am in an experimental phase and I’m having so much fun! I love it. Most of the times I don’t know what I am doing, but I am trying new things and that’s how I learn. Being self-taught is all about trial and error. I welcome mistakes and ugly drafts, which I eventually abandon. They are all important steps of practice and refining my technique.

Reminding myself of who I really am

Leave a comment

I’ve had a really good day. I woke up early, watched a movie in bed, went out for a walk in the snow, made some errands, had a chai latte on the go – all while I was hurrying to return home because I felt so inspired and wanted to continue my work in PhotoShop. And once I was home, I got a sweet comment from my friend (and role model) Julee Cruise and I was suddenly reminded of who I really am, beyond all the trauma recovery work, the struggle to find a job, to find a place in the world. In fact, I already have a place in the world. I am me – and who I am and what I do is appreciated by other people, even by amazingly talented and successful people, like Julee. I am loved and appreciated by many people, even the ones I admire and look up to! And if they can see who I am and appreciate me for who I am and for my talent – so can I.

julee

I am not the definition of my past. I am not a walking trauma. I am not a mediocre artist. I am not worthless. I am not tragic. I am not someone’s possession. I am not silly. I am not overreacting. I am not a victim. I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I am not here to stroke other people’s ego. I am not a doormat. I am not weak. I am not a place for other people to project their inferiority or superiority complex. I am not a dumpster for other people’s intolerance and ignorance. I am not a blank space for them to fill with stupidity and rage. I am not even your idea of who I am.

I am not anything other than myself and only I get to decide who that person is. I define my own weaknesses and strengths. I have boundaries. Integrity. Value. Worth. Talent. Resources. Gifts. I am love. I am magic. I matter. I am courageous. I have wit. I am intelligent. I am kind. Warm. Open.

I am the opposite to who other people decided they wanted me to be. The opposite of their visions, ideas and expectations of who they thought I ought to be. Even when they tried to control me – and when they did – I was none of those things.

I am a lucky person, because through my art and writing, I get to show the world who I really am – and the world loves me back! It is the best love story I can think of. I am very lucky indeed.

fan4 fan3 fan2 fan1

If I ever start doubting myself again, I’m gonna remind myself of the way other people embrace me and my work – it is evidence that I can do whatever I want with my life and that life is welcoming my courage and ambition. So I just have to go on doing what I a doing; to be a kool cat, to make art, write and to love.

The importance of a bra

6 Comments

I have been sick again, sleeping the days away. I guess that explains why I’ve been feeling so tired lately. There’s also been a lot to process since my last therapy session. Suddenly, so much is starting to make sense. Behaviors, patterns, triggers and psychological sore spots. The therapist recommended a book about codependency, which I’ve ordered. All I need now is to learn how to deal with it – because in the end my issue of psychological codependency is a good thing – it means I am an empathetic and caring person who’s able to put other’s needs before her own, if necessary. The psychological codependency grew from an early feeling of guilt and responsibility for things which weren’t mine to feel guilty or responsible for in the first place. I get it now. It all makes so much sense. Why I lose myself to other people’s expectations, why I think it’s my responsibility to make everybody happy, to fix things, to sacrifice everything to be able to be there for others, why I’ve been reluctant to let go of toxic relationships, and how I could’ve accepted the unacceptable.

Romus and Remus with the Wolf

Romus and Remus with the Wolf

I can’t change the past. I am not blaming anyone. But the issue still remains – and I have to deal with it. In a way, it’s a good thing that Johnny and I are in this long distance relationship right now. I need the space and the time to figure these things out, because the psychological codependency is so connected to intimate relationships for me. I have been so scared of loving again, of accepting love. I have been so close to isolating myself from love and intimacy all together – even if it’s all I want in this life. But I can understand why now. How I’ve felt smothered by relationships and the expectations I imagine they bring upon me. Expectations I have of myself – to be able to meet theirs. But all I’ve felt is inadequacy and scarcity. That’s when I lose myself. I start playing a role. Giving up my own pleasure to serve it to others. Delivering whatever they want from me. I let them feed off me like I am piece of meat, without any private emotions and needs. Some have taken advantage of it, some where blind to it. Ignorant.

I played my part very convincingly – even I believed I was all those things they wanted me to be. Submissive. Disconnected. Loyal to their convictions and disloyal to my own.

My therapist said: “You have let other people feed off you until you haven’t had anything more to give. Like you thought it was your responsibility to nurse them with your milk. Whenever they wanted they could just suck it out of you. But they took it all until you were left all dried out. Now it’s time to cover your bosom, put on a good bra that is complicated for them to open when they try to get inside it  – and to sit with your arms crossed to let other people know that you are not there to feed all their needs.”

I came to think of the old statue – Romus and Remus with the Wolf – and I got inspired to make my own version of it, perhaps in a painting.

Even though I have a good picture of what my issue is, it will take me a long time to understand how to deal with it. It is so deeply rooted. I have to remind myself that in the end, the essence of codependency is a good thing. It means I am a good person – but with loose boundaries. And that’s totally fixable. I just need to put on a bra.

Slowing down

Leave a comment

I have been feeling so tired lately. My body is still fighting the flu from new years, but there’s more to it than that. I’m pushing myself pretty hard right now, trying to break through different barriers and to overcome annoying obstacles. Perhaps I need to slow down. Good thing I have another session of therapy today, it gives me an excuse to slow down and look at where I am right now instead of where I wish to go next.

At the last session “Patience” was the keyword and my therapist told me to write the word down in big letters on a piece of paper to keep on my refrigerator door. It is still not natural to me to slow down and just be patient. My natural state is to work hard for the things I want. “Yes, but you have to be patient to be able to get the things you need.” she said. Wisely.

The shift from the old year to the new excited me and I guess I’m just eager to start doing all the things I told myself I would do in 2017. But it’s hasn’t even been a week yet, I’ve got plenty of time to achieve all my goals – one by one.

 Patience, Mia, patience.

The butterfly dance

Leave a comment

Winter is about to hit my city with a lot of snow and ice – but I feel like I there’s nothing but spring inside me. There are butterflies dancing in my heart, sunshine in my mind and I’m feeling slightly aroused all the time (my favorite state of mind). I think this means that I’ve finally found an inner balance and harmony between the conflicting parts of my brain, that actually works. I am ready for this new year to challenge me – in a positive way of course.

mia8999

My mind is filled with new ideas for future artworks – and it’s kind of ironic because I’ve strained or overworked the muscles in my wrist, so I can’t work very well right now. I think I might have hurt it while making the new website.

The new ideas for my digital art really excites me. Instead of the floating house, I am now focused on the room. I am not chasing a home anymore – I am home. There’s a clear mythology to my work and I use a lot of recurring symbols, now is the time to collect them all into one collection of works.

Floating houses:

“Out of the Nothing Box” by Mia Makila, 2014
Strings Attached (digital)
“Out of Reach” by Mia Makila, 2016

This is a great phase of my trauma recovery process – I’m slowly breaking out of my cocoon before I will fly out in the real world. Before I get to be wild and free, just like the butterflies I keep inside my heart.

Happy new year!

2 Comments

I want to wish you all a happy new year but also to thank you for appreciating this blog. It is my diary and I share my vulnerability and strength with you because I believe that if we open up our hearts and minds to each other, the world will become a more open and tolerate place. Next year will be filled with political challenges, but I have a good feeling about 2017.  I will try to make the most of it.

img_20161228_221333

I have so many ideas for new art projects in 2017 – can’t wait to get started! I have two art shows to plan, a collection of works to make and self esteem issues to fix. 2017 will keep me busy for sure.

If you missed the post about my new official website, here is a new chance for a visit.

It’s so windy here today, my windows are almost about to break. If we are lucky, they are winds of change.

Happy new year!

The hierarchy of values

Leave a comment

2016-12-29-18-06-54

Each passing day brings something good with it. I feel grateful and happy because it wasn’t too long ago that I fell down one of the dark holes of my mind. The good thing is that I know how to avoid it now. Lately, I’ve been making research about values and the hierarchy of values and what I’ve been prioritizing as important and unimportant. For example;  if your most important value is security, then your behavior, your decisions and life choices will be based on the value and you will always embrace the feelings that the concept of security creates in you (happiness, feeling safe and content etc). But also – if your most important value is security, you’re likely to avoid the opposite values (being adventurous, make risky decisions and embrace the unknown etc). I made a list of the 5 things I value the most (in order of prioritization) and then another list of things I don’t put a high value and that I wish to avoid:

5 things I value the most:

  1. Spiritual freedom & creativity
  2. Feeling safe
  3. Love
  4. Happiness and mental stimulation
  5. Harmony
  6. Health

5 things I don’t put a high value on /things I want to avoid:

  1. Being/feeling forced or pressured
  2. Feeling/being unsafe
  3. Social exclusion (group mentality etc)
  4. A life without a motion forward (rigid routines and being stuck in a rut)
  5. Feeling empty inside/unstimulated
  6. Being unhealthy

Because these lists are of my most important values and the things I want to avoid, they are charge with a lot of feelings and associations – and as a result, they will create a conflict at times. I think I’ve been afraid to take a ‘real job’ because I’ve felt stressed by the idea of feeling forced to do things and it has also triggered the fear of possible social exclusion. Being an artist is the perfect way for me to reach my highest value – spiritual freedom, but it doesn’t make me feel safe, at least not economically, therefore there’s been a conflict within myself. Freedom or financial security?

img_20161230_184609_935

Feeling unsafe is something I want to avoid – and it’s hard to do when you’re craving freedom. But there are ways to find a balance between the things I want the most and the things I least want. I just have to figure it all out. Perhaps I can achieve the feeling of spiritual freedom by simply being myself in a work place (something I have never tried before because of my fear of social exclusion) – or perhaps I’d feel safe if I learn more about starting my own business, so I can make money on my art without feeling unsafe and insecure about the money issue. I will make this a challenge for next year – to find satisfying compromises both in the wanted and in the unwanted. Because what’s really important to me is to reboot my art career and make a comeback in the art world, so I can be more successful with my art (and writing) and then move Johnny to Sweden so we can share our home in the same geographical place. And I want to feel safe. No more drama, conflicts, stress or mindless, self-destructive behavior. Those are the cornerstones of what I wish to achieve. The rest is gravy.

The Y

Leave a comment

I was watching Amy last night – the documentary about Amy Winehouse (which was both brilliant and sad), and her name inspired a chain reaction in my mind. I suddenly realized that I have a very intimate connection to names with an ‘y’ at the end. For example:

The name of my big high school crush was Conny.

miass

Me, the first year in high school and the guy I crushed on.

When I was a teen, I had a diary that I called ‘Nelly’ and my favorite sitcom at the time was Laverne & Shirley.

I have two ex boyfriends with names that ends with an ‘y’: Jerry, Jimmy and my current boyfriend’s name is Johnny. 

My two best girlfriends’ names are Nancy and Jenny.

My favorite country is Germany.

My favorite TV character is Ally McBeal and one of my favorite movies is Bergman’s Fanny And Alexander.

.

"Fanny And Alexander" by Mia Makila, mixed media on paper, 2012

“Fanny And Alexander” by Mia Makila, mixed media on paper, 2012

And my favorite hobby is to ask the question ‘why?’ – that’s why I went to college to study history of ideas, because you get to ask ‘why?’ instead of ‘who, when, where?’ as regular historians ask. My mom has told me a lot of stories about how curious I was as a child, always asking ‘but why?’ or ‘why not?’. I’ve always loved to question things and never take them for granted.

– This is how curious I was as a child – I refused to lay on my back in the stroller – because I wanted to be able to visually explore the world.

.

I’m sure there’s a logic explanation to my little subconscious obsession with the letter ‘y’ – like “it’s all just a big coincidence”, but I like the idea that there’s more to find on a Freudian level. It’s all about asking the right question – like; Y?

The year of Death and stranger things

Leave a comment

As the year is rapidly coming to an end, I am working hard to complete the two artworks currently in progress. I am also trying to sum up the year to see what it was all about.

2016 was the year of Death – at least for big celebrities and the people of Aleppo (and to the American Dream). Let’s hope that 2017 will be (or make us) more gentle. Although it was a dark year, it taught me so many new things. Important things. I learned that I am not who I think I am – in fact I am the opposite of my own self image – what a great surprise, because the new me is an incredible person. I learned that there’s a word to label my sexuality; “demisexual” – and it stopped the confusion I’ve always felt towards my sexual orientation. However, 2016 was also the year I got a big girl crush on Christine and the Queens. I’d want to make love to her brain at least.

Christine and the Queens

This year also forced a re-connection between my body and mind when I got really sick. It was a hard time but I got a lot out of it. Before I could separate the two as the result of an old survival strategy – but now I am connected and it will make me more cautious and careful how I treat my body and mind, but also how I allow other people to treat it. Once I had reconnected, I started to regret everything in my past. That’s what the disconnection was all about – to be able to do whatever without feeling regret or discomfort. It’s tough to regret so many things, situations, relationships and behaviors, but all I can do is to learn from it and promise myself to never do it again. Otherwise, I’d just become bitter and sad, two of my least favorite state of mind.

It made it easier for me to close the door to my past.

At last.

I am not chained to my past anymore. It is not holding me back. It is not haunting me. It is now a place of experience, wisdom and knowledge.

tumblr_n2kcqqnmkq1t5fu3io1_500

2016 was a great year for streaming TV series. I loved many of this year’s new TV series, like Stranger Things, the revival of Gilmore Girls – A Year In The Life, The People Vs OJ Simpson, The Crown, The Divorce and this year’s seasons of Girls and Orange Is The New Black. I never really got into Westworld, but perhaps I’ll give it another try next year. I’m looking forward to 2017’s new series – Little Big Lies, the Twin Peaks revival and A Series of Unfortunate Events.

maxresdefault

Stranger Things

I was not impressed with this year’s season of mystery podcast Serial. The narrative was all off and the story just ran around in circles. The new series Designated Survivor was utterly dissatisfying. It was old school TV, a mix of West Wing and 24 (with Kiefer Sutherland to boot). It felt very dated.

My favorite 2016 song was this one (I can’t stop dancing to it):

My favorite word I learned this year was without a doubt: I’mpossible.

And Michelle Obama said all kinds of wise things this year. I wish we all could go high in 2017. What a wonderful year we could create together that way.

r11cp6w4kibx

My videos from 2016

Leave a comment

I love communicating via videos. It gives me the perfect opportunity to be intimate with my audience, something that feels important to me. These are the videos from 2016:

unveiling of mia makila artwork at galleri kameleont

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KYXwjJqw7M

.

mia makila talks about her latest painting “the core”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awc9QXP9ODQ&t=72s

.

high on dentist drugs

https://www.instagram.com/p/BImrNQCAUGe/

.

greetings from mia makila

.

A video poem by mia makila, january 2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW3z3Omhucc

The change

Leave a comment

2016-12-25-20-06-36

I’ve had a wonderful Christmas. One of the best. Even if Johnny is so far away, it felt like we shared every moment of Christmas together. I’m feeling so very loved and happy and all wrapped in optimism and hope. This year has been both heavy and dark (I bet the music industry would agree), therefore it’s such a miracle that it has finally changed for the better. In less than a week, the new year will come and offer a fresh start. I will make the most of the new year and not waste any of my resources on the wrong things. I have so many things I want to accomplish, so much I wish to do – and for the first time I am feeling confident and capable. I know I can do whatever I want to accomplish, as long as I stay away from the doubts and the fears – which is easier said than done. That will be next year’s big challenge.

Merry Christmas!

2 Comments

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!  I am celebrating my Christmas at my parent’s house and with Johnny on the other side of the world.  Look for magic in the Christmas spirit – it is there for sure.

img_20161224_145009_820img_20161224_144751_824

img_20161224_144917_689 img_20161224_145352_624

My best photos from 2016

Leave a comment
Angel with wings instead of ears
Death in the dentist office.
Back to nature. My nature.
I’m not a crazy cat lady, I’m the crazy notebook lady! (self-therapy)
Surprise.
My best friend, my team mate and my boyfriend.
Surreal view in Linköping (can you spot the shark?).
My parents ❤
Love. Just love.
Selfie with lust.
My beautiful city, Norrköping, Sweden
With my friend and digital artist Mats Tusenfot.
Detail of my digital work “Bones of Rape”.
The anatomy of the ‘inside of the inside’.
Red is my color.
Feeling loved.
Working on “The Core”.
The weirdest thing I saw this year, Lindö, Norrköping (Sweden).
My digital baby “Strings Attached” is born.
Sick but happy (August).
Painting.
My art was featured in an academic study about horror and ghosts.
I can connect to this tree.
A happy collector.
American car show in Sweden.
Hiding.
“The Little Man” – detail study.
Stature with anxiety.
My kitchen looked like a jungle this summer.
Celebrating a traditional Swedish Midsummer.
For a while my living room looked like this, but it was too drafty so I had to rearranged it again. But it looked pretty like this.
A lonely man sunbathing in front of the cemetery.
Selfie in spring.
Junk in a thrift store.
Books to read.
Defining my role models; Anne of Green Gables, Bergman, Rowling, Pippi, Kahlo and Munch.
Fan art – it’s me!
Taking advice from a pillow.

The reward

Leave a comment

After I launched the new site, I sort of crashed. I’m exhausted. So I took yesterday off to rest and collect new energy. I am finding clarity in so many things now days – in my creativity, my health and when it comes to love and happiness. I feel awake and present. Engaged with the world around me. Even though I lost a lot of things things year, the things I gained are priceless to me. And I gained them through each loss.

I lost some dreams. I lost a tooth. A lot of hair due to stress. I lost part of my family. I lost opportunities. I lost money. I lost both a sense of control and myself for a while.

With Johnny, earlier this year

With Johnny, earlier this year

But I also lost the last PTSD symptoms, which used to rule my every day life. I lost many destructive and false self images. I lost the connection to my inner Lolita, who used to love feeling submissive. I lost the survival strategies that made it possible for me to live my life without constantly being prepared for a new catastrophe. I lost my dance partner in the destructive, psychological dance of death. I lost a lot of stupid distractions. I lost the creative blockage. I lost the heavy burden of carrying other people’s responsibility and judgement. And all those losses have liberated me from so much fear, pain and suffering. It brought me closure. It gave me a chance to be myself, without being afraid to make other people uncomfortable. It made it possible for me to finally accept Johnny’s love without wanting to push him away – and for me me feel at home in myself, in my art and in the love I share with Johnny (no wonder my new digital piece is called ‘Homecoming’). It makes me feel more at peace. Balanced. Centered. More alive.

What a beautiful reward.

I don’t belong to any genre. Period.

2 Comments

Saturday: doing some final touch-ups on my website at a café

I just finished the work on my new website and I feel really excited! It will be launched tomorrow and I’ll put a link here in the blog and on Facebook. I decided not to define my art with a style or art movement after all. I am Mia Makila and that is all that matters. My art is unique and I have many different sides and qualities and they don’t fit in a single -ism or genre. I am way too complicated as a person to have a static style or a defined set of aesthetics – I fluctuate between many styles and artistic expressions. I think I always will.

Christmas is just around the corner and yesterday I received a big package from the States – it was a Christmas gift from Johnny and it’s super heavy. I wonder what he sent. Can’t wait to find out.

I still have two artworks to finish – “The Wound” and “Homecoming”. I feel lucky to be me right now.

Where do I belong?

Leave a comment
bild-1104

Me at the opening of my debute solo show as a horror artist, 2007

For the first time ever, I’ve tried to define myself as an artist and my style in an artist statement for my new website. It’s really hard. What is my ambition as an artist? What drives me? What genre does my art belong to? I’ve gone through many styles throughout my career;  neo-victorian horror, lowbrow, gothic, popsurrealism and art brut. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through so many personal transformations as well. My styles vary a lot but I do see a theme running through all my works – balancing the raw and the delicate.

I feel at home in genres like primitive art, naÏve art, folk art and outsider art – with a twist of lowbrow.. But am I an outsider artist? I do feel like an outsider and I deal with traumas and primitive expressions in my art but an outsider artist lives completely outside society’s conventions and rules. Perhaps I’m too obedient to consider myself to be an outsider artist. But I could make my own art genre. Primitive expressionism? Outsider-lowbrow? It’s really hard. The word ‘outsider’ rings true to me because I’m also an outsider in the Swedish art community. I Googled ‘outsider art’ in my hometown and the word or concept doesn’t even exist here:

where

I feel like this could be my future mission – to create a place for myself and other artists like me – and people who belong to the outsider genre but doesn’t even know they are artists because they live in mental institutions or are isolated in some way. It would be a beautiful mission.