Category: ART
The cage
Another visit to the clinic
My health issues have turned into a cage and I feel limited and isolated from the world. Today I had to make yet another visit at the clinic and this time the Doctor took some blood tests. Hopefully I’ll know the results by next week. I can’t do more than to wait and try to relax as much as I can, but I’m not allowed to wear make up for a while and it bothers me and I don’t like that I feel ashamed of my naked face – it is who I am and I’m all about authenticity and nakedness so it shouldn’t bother me this much. Perhaps this is the perfect time to accept myself as I really am. – with or without make up, with swollen and red eyes, rashes or any imperfections. It’s kind of scary how women are perceived as more beautiful with make up than with a natural face. What is the difference between that thought and having to wear a burqa?
Even though I feel caged by my health issues, I do feel like I am focusing on the right things – out with the negativity and in with optimism. Things will get better. They just have to. I can’t stand this place of helplessness and vulnerability. As long as I don’t feel at home in it – I will find a way out of it.
A good frustration
I’m feeling trapped in my own body. I want out. I want to play. I want to do so many things. I’ve been sick for a long time now and I’m frustrated and restless. If I could escape my current situation somehow, I’d gladly do it. But I can’t. I have to hang on in there and wait it out. Do my best and hope for better times. The people around me are very supportive and I’m feeling loved, but I’m tired of needing that kind of support. I want to own my life – I don’t want to feel like I am only surviving it. I’m so hungry for life. I’m so eager to live it – fully and wholeheartedly. The position of surviving and overcoming a trauma doesn’t it me anymore and I feel uncomfortable in it. I am so ready to take on my future endeavors – if my health could only be a bit more stable. I believe this is a good frustration. Or at least, I’m fooling myself that it is.
It’s like I have everything – but at the same time I don’t have access to any of it until I’m feeling better. I’m waiting for an appointment with a dermatologist – but it can take up to 3 months until I’ll get it. When all this is over, I’ll be stronger and more free than I’ve ever been, because during this difficult time I’ve also had both closure and found a new self-acceptance and that’s the best investment I could do for myself. But – patience has never been my friend and I’m not known to go slow. But I am learning how to go with the flow of things instead of rushing it and getting stressed out. It is damn hard to do when I know I have so many good things waiting for me – on the other side.
Ready to go back to painting (soon)
I’ve spent a few days at my parent’s house – because my new bedroom turned out to be as cold and drafty as Siberia at night now when it’s getting colder outside, so we have been trying to insulate the windows. No wonder I’ve been so sick lately. I’m making good process in reducing stress and negative thoughts, although I keep waking up in the middle of the night with a racing heart and panic. But for some reason I’m not too worried about it, I think it’s part of this new transition phase, going from something old to something new. I’ve never been this clear minded – and so connected to myself – I think it makes me too aware of everything at times, I need to find a balance in the way I use my awareness.
I am so very inspired and I am dying to start working with my art again. I miss my demons. I miss the smell of the paint and the lightness of being swept away by the creativity. I need to create art again. I need it so much. I feel half when I’m not creating. My health issues has been blocking me from making art lately but it’s better than being blocked because of self-doubt and negativity. At least this time it’s just a matter of time until I’m well enough to go back to painting. I am ready. I feel it.
Rest and play
This flu is merciless, but I am still able to meditate and I’ve found some amazing places within myself. I never though I would be able to meditate and I don’t know if I’m doing it right but at least I am getting some peace of mind during the sessions. I’m keeping a meditation diary because I’m finding answers and keys to unlock insecurities and fears as I am traveling within myself. It’s quite incredible.
I’ve discovered the importance of balance – both a sense of an inner and a physical balance – and a balance when it comes to rest vs play (work). And I am now faced with an important question; is my creativity part of rest or is it play? Do I use my creativity to relax or as work? Perhaps the answer will change everything. Perhaps my art is not suppose to be what I do for a living – perhaps that’s why it has been keeping me from feeling the magical lust and flow when I am creating. If so – then I’ve been pushing myself in the wrong direction. I have to experiment to see how I am supposed to use my creativity – maybe I can use my writing and digital art as wok but the painting process is more about relaxation and self-intimacy than it is about working to make money. We’ll see. I will study myself as a scientist until I’ll know the answer.
Awareness
Totally me today.
I’m still having a cold but I’ve felt so good all day. I’m healing a little more every day and I’ve eliminated all the negativ energy in my life – if there’s ever any negativity now, it’ll be coming from me and then it’s my responsibility to change it. This is what it’s like to be in control of your own life – to invite only the things you want and need in life, and to shut out the rest. It is very hard to do, because you have to have an open and present consciousness and awareness – both are natural but we are not raised to use them in the correct way, so it feels foreign and weird at first. Ignorance is a bliss, just like denial. To be aware means to take responsibility for everything that happens to you, both the good and the bad (but not responsibility for other people’s abuse and judgments) and it also means a willingness to accept or/and change things that used to be under the surface, as they are emerging into the light.
But I’m still on my inner journey.
Awareness is the first step to any change. If you want to change yourself or your life, you first need to know what needs to be changed. You need to be aware of it. If you want to quit smoking, you need to be aware of what damage it does to your body (and wallet). If you want to be more happy, you need to use your awareness to understand what makes you unhappy. Awareness is an open mind – and an open core. To look at things from an authentic point of view – to dare looking at things in a raw and real way. I am not scared of this nakedness and the awareness that follows. It’s the opposite that scares me – the illusions of love, safety, security, the false sense of happiness, the perfectionisms of dreams, the pressure from expectations – and the twisted self-images. I want it real. And it only gets real through an active awareness and an open consciousness. That’s what an awakening is all about. I wish everyone could experience that in their lifetime. It is possible for all of us. If we only dare to open up to the possibility that we don’t know much about anything at all. Only then can be start a lifelong exploration to learn the truth about ourselves and our purpose in life.
“Where’s a will there’s a way”
One step closer
I woke up from the first good sleep in a really long time. It’s raining. Meditation is really helpful, I’m visiting this place, deep inside myself where I find keys to feeling better. It’s like I’m a different person now than I was before all the things happened this summer. When I look back at these last few months, I can see what made me change and transform so quickly. It’s fascinating. I had a few encounters with closure. And I finally reconnected with my own body after years of dissociating myself from it. It might sound simple and trivial but it’s really not. I just wish things like that wouldn’t be so painful. But as my friend Jenny says, it’s through pain that we know what’s important to us, it’s through suffering we understand what’s worth fighting for – perhaps that’s exactly what happens between a mother and child during the painful labor in childbirth. Survival doesn’t look pretty. Struggles hardly come without suffering. And in the end, it was all worth it. Because it brought me here – one step closer to where I am destined to go.
T.O Fife’s portrait of me and my characters
I just have to post this amazing fan art by T.O Fife again, because it rocks! It’s me surrounded by some of my babies.
The dog position
Just tried yoga for the first time, by watching a ‘yoga-for-beginners’ video on YouTube and crawling around on all fours on the floor in front of the smart TV. Gosh, I am so stiff, I couldn’t even do the dog position without collapsing into myself like a pile of meat. This will be a fun challenge. I am a bit horrified when I see how I’ve let my body go and become passive and tense – but I’m not gonna judge myself, I know exactly why it’s happened and it is understandable – anyone who’s been through two decades of trauma and post traumatic stress would be this tense. But I used to be a dancer in my teens, so it’s sad to see how my body has changed and transformed into a permanent ‘self-protective’ mode, all curled up in itself. It is not too late to do anything about it. And when I’ve learned how to get into a perfect dog position, my body will be able to do anything after that.
Shaking it off
I’m not feeling well, I think I’m coming down with a cold and my body is still so tense from all the stress. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, like I can’t breathe. And I’ve started to grind my teeth. The meditation helps and I’m trying to shut out any negative energy. But I still have to find more ways to relax. Johnny and I have finished all seasons of Fringe and moved on to my favorite TV series of all times – Lost. I feel childishly excited.
I will go back to painting next week. I have to finish “The Idiot” that I’m currently working on.
A new time is waiting for me on the other side of the stress. I know I can only reach it by continuing the meditation and trying to shake off all the stress. I’ve been so close to being burned out again. I was so close to the edge. But I am moving away from it. I am gonna be alright.
The source of my knowledge and wisdom
After today’s meditation exercise, I found a new way to approach my past that’s been haunting me for such a long time. In my meditative state I went to a place where I’d stored away my past in a big closet. Inside the closet there was another smaller closet with a black door. I cleaned out the bad things in my closet and stored it away in the second little closet, locked the door and placed the key inside my pocket. The rest of the things inside the bigger closet was now organized according to three categories; knowledge, wisdom and experience. Today I’ve stopped talking about my past as thisdark and looming shadow that’s always stalking me, today I’ve decided to start using the good things that my past has brought to my present moment as a guiding light – as the source of my knowledge and wisdom.
What Johnny’s heart has taught me
I’m enjoying this grey and rainy Saturday by listening to classical music and meditating. I am fighting every stress symptom by making breathing exercises and pushing away any negative thoughts. They don’t have a place in my mind. Nor do they live in my heart anymore. My poor little heart. It hasn’t had an easy life, but it is still beating, it’s still filled with all the red fire it was born to produce with every breath. So, it isn’t that damaged. I’ve never let any hate inside it. It’s never been completely drained.
My love affair with Johnny has been so good for my heart. He’s taught me so much about humility, self-compassion and love. I thought I knew everything there was to know about love. The passion. The all-consuming energy. The pain. The fear. The neglect and the rejection. But it turned out that I didn’t know much about love at all. Johnny has showed me how to build a home between two hearts, not only to keep each other company, but to create a whole new heart inside our home. Something which is breathing all by itself, something that has a heart, a mind and spirit but is invisible to the eye. Our love is not about passion or simple companionship, but a creation formed by mutual respect, caring and the way we see each other and appriciate what we see. Both each other’s many beauties and beasts. And we are completely naked in front of each other and ourselves. Vulnerability is the only place where all this is possible to experience. And I’m learning how to trust. How to let go of the fear to get hurt. To be fooled. Betrayed. And destroyed. I’m slowly learning how to move through this feeling of deep love without wanting to protect myself from it. That’s the naked part.
Johnny has showed me how important it is for me to see myself without looking for those eyes in other people. It’s been difficult for me to see myself without judging what I see. Without wondering if I’m enough. If I am lovable. Worthy of happiness. Before I let Johnny into my heart I was in many ways a masochist. Looking for punishments. Humiliation. Darkness. Because I thought I belonged there. That I deserved it. He was there, in the beginning, holding my hand through other destructive love affairs with self-proclaimed victims that I wanted to rescue or mirrored myself through. I felt helpless and drained by those toxic connections. Johnny picked me up, every time I fell. He was always there for me – not because he wanted to be a hero, but because he actually cared about me.
I am softer now, to myself and to other people. Johnny’s gentle heart has inspired mine to be less rough and raw and to embrace empathy and tolerance. I was pretty brutal with my heart before. I wasted its blood, the beats and I let anyone stay in its rooms even though they didn’t deserve to be there at all. I am starting to protect my heart without shutting out love and the warmth from people who truly deserves to be inside it. I am very grateful for having this wonderful man in my life and in my heart. We both give and take from the knowledge which our hearts have collected throughout our lives. We share everything because it all feels important somehow. Even the smallest details. The nonsense. The everyday stuff that will be forgotten by tomorrow. But at least we got to share them with each other. It cures the loneliness of the heart. It creates a home where life is welcoming the insignificant moments as well as the significant ones Where everything has a meaning and is not wasted or taken for granted.
Law of attraction
Things are starting to come together, bit by bit. It is strange how the concept of ‘law of attraction’ works – and it really does work, just like karma but in a more substantial and profound way. It’s basically ‘what you think, you’ll become’ or ‘you attract what your mind is focused on’. I know this works because I’ve used the power of focused, positive thoughts many times to achieve past goals. The difficult thing is to hold on to the positive energy and not letting any poisonous and negative energy take over. The law of attraction doesn’t only work in your favor, it is just as powerful and active when it comes to absorbing, collecting and sending out dark energy. If you think in a negative way, you’ll attract more negative energy.
I don’t care for new age and I don’t believe in new thought philosophy, I don’t belong to any spiritualistic movement, but I do believe in law of attraction because I’ve seen how it works for me. Both when it comes to receiving success and happiness, but also getting stuck in very bad and destructive places. I was responsible for attracting both the dark and the light in my past. If I felt self-destructive and negative and I got stuck in a destructive and negative place. If I wanted success and happiness, I found it by working really hard to get there and by letting go of the darkness. This has been like a cycle, attracting the good and the bad, depending how I’ve felt about myself at different times in my life – when I’ve been in control of my own destiny or when I’ve let other people control me and my life.
The difference between the concept of karma and law of attraction is that karma is based on what you deserve and what you’ve done to deserve the good or the bad, while law of attraction is all about what you allow to happen, how you deal with things and what you attract and focus on. Karma is saying what happens to you is simply a punishment or a reward from fate, like it’s all out of your hands, almost like the energy of karma is God. When it comes to law of attraction – you are your own God or Goddess, creating your own fate by attracting what you want and need to be happy and positively stimulated. If you attract bad energy, it’s not a punishment by a higher power but perhaps you are punishing yourself. Believing in the law of attraction means taking full responsibility for everything you attract. Light, dark matter, shit-storms and success.
And it all starts by changing the way you think. It all starts with a slight shift inside your mind – and a will to change whatever that has to be changed. Otherwise, you won’t attract anything new.
I’m coming out
Yes! Yes! Yes! Now I’ve finally found out what my sexuality is called! Today I’m coming out as demisexual! It all makes so much sense now.
‘Nerdish’ work in progress
Work in progress – “FLEURS DE FRINGE” – yes I’m such a nerd, I’m collecting flowers of significance from TV-series and movies and turning them into still lifes. This will be a fun new hobby to explore. I will make the pink carnations with the cruel post it note from Sex and the City and the Carlotta flower bouquet from Hitchcock´s “Vertigo”..
This is all the important flowers from FRINGE (one of my favorite TV series)..
Hopeful
I am starting to feel very hopeful, like my hope is more resilient now – balanced between a new acceptance and a forceful will to get [the hell] out of this place where I’ve been stuck for some time. But even though it’s been frustrating, I’ve learned a lot about myself and how my body and mind reacts to feeling stuck, stressed and powerless. I know when and how I get into a vulnerable position where I lose my self-esteem and faith in myself – where I lose my faith when it comes to life in general. Therefore, I will be able to save myself from ever becoming this vulnerable again. It is a comforting thought. Dealing with economical, mental, physical and emotional vulnerabilities at the same has been the heaviest task I’ve ever had to take on. But at least I am doing it. I am working my way through it all. I am grateful to myself, for being strong enough to do all this without giving up or giving into the fear or the helplessness I’ve felt at times. I can’t believe I was so close to giving up, only a week ago. I didn’t know that finding closure in the most painful place was so important. Now, I regret that I didn’t do it sooner, but perhaps I wasn’t ready to do it then. Everything happens for a reason, every decision leads to a new place – and the lack of making one is one of the most dangerous traps in life. It makes you stuck. Miserable. It makes you stay when you should go. It makes you tolerate things you shouldn’t. It makes you scared of the light instead of the dark. It weakens your inner voice. It kills your hope.
I am out of all that now. I’m finally feeling hopeful. Now, it’s up to me to do something about this new hope. Otherwise it’s a waste of strength and positive energy.
Something broken but promising
Through the broken pieces of my old life, I can see how I was originally supposed to live it, before all the darkness invaded it.. And I lost my ability to distinguish the natural from the unnatural frequency of life. I couldn’t feel the stillness. Only when it was snowing. I couldn’t taste the peace. Only by using distractions. In a blog post from a month or so ago, I said that I want to rediscover the pulse of life. Now I am hungry for it. Both the low and the high. I want to know how real stillness feels like. I want to know the rush of a busy day again. But without the stress. I’ve been in this vacuum for way too long.
2014
It is sad when something breaks but through the shattered reality there is a promising freshness. It’s still too soon to know what it will bring to my life or how it will change me, but I don’t need to know right now. I just have to keep moving forward. It is all I can do.
The good world
After my tumultuous weekend of painful inner processes and difficult confrontations, I feel deeply grateful for waking up to an email like this. To know that my art has touched the heart or mind of a young student somewhere in the world, makes me fight even harder to find my way back to my career and my creativity. My art really means something to many people. Even my writing makes a little difference in the world. I am on a lifelong mission to express what I have inside and sharing it with the world.
After weeks of unbearable pain and almost slipping into a depression, I’ve now found a stable place where I’m able to exhale and rest. For real this time. The dark days are over. I’ve made sure of that. My health is improving rapidly, because I’ve faced the hardest times of stress and anxiety with courage and strength, and now I’m putting it all behind me. I’m finally ready to accept and to let go of something that’s always been haunting me. Now, I don’t have anything negative in my life. I only have my own fear and issues to face, but everybody is fighting their fear. It is normal. Part of life. I’m now in a position where I am free of external darkness so I can focus on the light I create in the world, the light that defines my core.
Not only is my health improving, I’ve also found a great job coach who will take care of me and my health. We will start by reducing my inner stress and work on getting my self-esteem back. The rest will follow naturally as I’m gaining more and more strength and confidence. I feel so happy about this. The world is a good place if you look where the good things are. I need to hold on to this positive energy and leave all the pain behind. It’s like the law of attraction – if you create positive energy in the world, that energy will find its way back to you. I so believe in that.
The first breath of closure
This has been one of the heaviest times of my life and I have been forced to get totally naked in front of myself, other people and in front of life itself. It has been hard. In fact, at one point, I thought I wouldn’t make it. What I’ve needed is closure and this weekend I’ve found the first real breath of closure. But I almost destroyed myself in the process. I guess this is why writers always save the biggest battle until the end of the story. Closure and overcoming something difficult means facing the biggest fear – the biggest pain. To face your own mortality and purpose in life. Are you destined to be controlled by something or someone else or are you destined to be in control of your own life? Would you survive standing up for yourself in one last battle of taking back what’s yours? Would you be able to live with the consequences of making a difficult decision? You might go a whole lifetime avoiding to ask yourself these questions, avoiding the final battle, the difficult confrontation and making the painful decision, but then you would never really find true happiness within yourself. There would be a shadow hanging over you, a lump in your throat, a heavy rock on your shoulders. And it would slowly poison your heart and soul – or worse; it would numb them.
What are you willing to endure if choosing to avoid closure? What are you willing to lose? Who would you become if you choose to avoid standing up for yourself – and who would you become if you did?
These questions are terribly difficult to answer without actually doing something about them. By taking action. By doing everything in your power to find the answers. To fight the right fight. To fight your fight. To get your life back. Your self-worth. Your self-esteem. Your future. Your peace of mind. Your power. Your freedom.
The answers would always lead you to a place where you’d finally start ruling your own world.
Work in progress: “Fleurs de Fringe” – about the dandelion in Fringe
My digital piece “Fleurs de Fringe” in progress, adding a dandelion today – why?
Here’s why (1:37):
The flower of hope. A flower that can survive the darkest of times, that can find its way through concrete and asphalt to blossom and thrive. Today, I feel like a dandelion. I am so fragile but I am still here, looking for a way through the dark and hard surface of life. I want to grow. To feel beautiful and strong. And to live and not just survive the hardest of times.
Good things
I have found a new inner strength, I can feel it. I just need to hold on to it no matter what, even if I fall, even when I fail and even when the hormone levels go up and down. I have so much to be happy about, much more than I have problems. I will make sure to remind myself of this every day.
A fan framed some older commissioned pieces I once made, they look great!
In 20 minutes Johnny will call me from California during his lunch break. He’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I might feel lonely here in my apartment but I’m not lonely in my heart. And I have creative projects in the making in each category of my favorite artistic expressions; writing, digital art and painting. I’m taking care of my health. Trying to eat right. Exercise (well, sort of). Think in a positive way. I need to keep going. Because I’m finally back on the right track.
I’m winning
I woke up feeling stronger and more clear-minded today. Hopefully I am out of the anxiety for now (during my ovulation hormone storm and all – a double victory!). I will try to become more active and get out of my apartment more. Pathetic-behavior alert: yesterday I went to the mall and asked a salesperson some random questions just to have some kind of human and social interaction (!!). I wish I had more friends in this city. I miss Stockholm and my friends there. I’m turning into an isolated cave woman. I guess the cave is really a ‘shame cave’ because I’ve felt a lot of shame due to my health problems and the fact that I’m broke. I need to stop this behavior. Who cares if my body looks strange or if I don’t have any money? It’s almost expected of me as an artist anyway. It only adds to the freak status. So, I’m winning.
“Hello!” from my inner freak (gif animation by James Kerr)
I’m having a good time with my secret writing project. It will take a long time to make but I feel like writing is the creative expression where I always get into that glorious flow. I’ve been writing almost every day for more than ten years now, and even though it’s been nothing more than blog posts about my inner journey or simple diary notes, it’s given me a lot of practice. In the book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell claims that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. Well, I’ve got that covered.
Making friends with my demons
Smoking Demon by Mia Makila, 2006 (acrylic on canvas)
Part of my self-acceptance process is to find a way to make friends with my demons. To accept them rather than trying to eliminate them (that’s not possible anyway). I’m also dealing with this process in a secret writing project. Once again, my creativity is helping me get through something difficult and powerful. I am so grateful. I am also painting and trying not to judge the results. My new attitude is that everything I produce has some good in it. And why aim for making a masterpiece or the ‘best painting I’ve ever done’ – why put so much pressure on myself? It’s crazy. However a painting turns out – it’s good enough – and I am good enough. I don’t have to be more than that. I guess this means that I am making friends with my “good girl” demon. I know why she’s like that, why she’s looking for perfection and where she is coming from. It’s the classic “good girl” complex from childhood family patterns.
Me with a little play tent that I loved to decorate
I’ve been feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and looking for their approval all my life. To satisfy their need to feel safe or seen and to make them feel connected to things. I guess that behavior has spilled over into my art as well, trying to satisfy my audience. I’ve been writing about this before. I only need to satisfy myself and to enjoy myself while painting. I don’t need to be or to do more than that. It’s such a simple equation but for me it’s very difficult to change this behavior that’s been so ingrained in my way of thinking and being. But I am doing my best.
I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up with anxiety and I’ve started to grind my teeth in my sleep. I’m waking up in the morning, all tense and tired. I hope I can find a job soon, it’s not good for me to be alone like this, all days and nights. I miss Johnny so terribly. It feels so unnatural to have your love living a separate life on the other side of the world. As soon as I’ll get an income we will start the process with the migration board. Can’t wait.
Making friends with my demons – with my anxiety and fear, is not easy. But I can’t have them as my enemies anymore, or they’ll kill me (probably in my sleep).
Det är trendigt att hata
Det är en skrämmande tid vi just nu skapar tillsammans i världen. Så full av mörker, förakt och hat. Toleransnivån för det främmande och annorlunda är nu lika låg som argumenten är vaga för att försvara de beteenden som följer. Det är som om vi förvandlat världen till Tolkiens svarta rike Mordor (ur Sagan om ringen). Va fan gör vi här?
Hatet läcker ut överallt. Ur nättrollens snabba slag på tangentbordet. Ut på asfalten som definierar hagen där vi rastar våra barn – skolgården. Ur kaffemuggen under eftermiddagsfikat. Ur fördomar och intolerans som föds någonstans mellan vår frustration och likgiltighet. Ur rädslan för att förlora det vi tror vi har. För det vi tror vi är. Och för det vi tror vi inte är.
Hatet rinner ut ur våra hjärtan som en svart och geggig massa av destruktiv energi – en energi som vill förminska, förstöra och förgöra. Hatet vill ha vedergällning. Det vill bestraffa. Håna. Förödmjuka. Nästan till vilket pris som helst. Det som får oss att hata ska bort. Kanske bort från dess nuvarande och hotfulla position, men inte bort från vårt synfält. Vi älskar att ha vårt hatobjekt nära. Så att vi kan känna den där svarta energin pumpa genom oss när det omvandlas till adrenalin. Det är belöningen. Att känna ruset av rättfärdighet. En samhörighet med det som vi upplever är sant och riktigt. Ruset av att dominera verkligheten. Sanningen. Och balansen mellan det som får råda och det som måste förintas för att upprätthålla vår illusion av att befinna oss i ett övre skikt av mänskligheten.. Att ha rätt. Att vara bäst. Störst. Vackrast. Smartast. Whatever.
Det är trendigt att hata. Det är coolt att inte bry sig. Att vara anonym eller gömma sig bakom rättfärdigheten och kunna göra vad man vill utan att möta konsekvenser. Ascoolt.
Det blir så tydligt när man tittar på den politiska utvecklingen som nu sker, lite överallt i världen. Det hatas till både höger och vänster. Både politiska partier och ledare växer upp som svampar ur hatträsket och förkroppsligar vår världs intolerans och förakt. Hela den amerikanska valdebatten genomsyras av hat, förakt och en känsla att kunna förminska, förstöra och förgöra utan att bry sig om vilka konsekvenser det får – eller vilka signaler det förmedlar till omvärlden. “Du bär på ett oerhört hat i ditt hjärta”, sa Donald Trump till sin politiska motståndare Hillary Clinton i den andra valdebatten som ägde rum i St. Louis i Söndags. Kanske en projektion av det hat som Trump själv bär på, i sitt eget hjärta. Att projicera hat på ‘den andre’ är det mest effektiva sättet att skaka av sig ansvar, skuld och istället känna att man har rätt att hata, att det är viktigt och gör nytta. Att man för en kamp mot orättvisan. Det som stör. Det som ska bort. Så att det blir nån jävla ordning på saker och ting. Ingen vill ha kaos och hatet är enklaste vägen till att rensa och utrota varje hot mot det inre lugnet. Hotet mot den sanna ordningen. Eller den rätta åsikten, livsstilen, smaken eller vad man nu tycker stör ens sinnesro.
Det är trendigt att hata för alla andra gör ju det. Man hatar en kändis. En musiksmak. En person man känner. Chefen. Grannen. En familjemedlem. En tiggare utanför ICA. Män som hatar kvinnor. Kvinnor som hatar män. Muslimer som hatar kristna. Kristna som hatar muslimer. Det är väl OK. Vem bryr sig om jag känner lite hat, kolla bara på vad det står i trådarna på Flashback, i kommentarsfältet på YouTube, på en blogg eller på Facebook, sådär är inte jag. Jag hatar bara lite grann. Jag hatar bara lite pittoreskt, som en krydda i tillvaron ungefär. Mitt hat gör varken till eller från, det vet jag, men det piggar upp när jag har trist. Då tänker jag på personen jag hatar och så känns allt lite bättre. Som att spänna musklerna fast i huvudet. Jag känner mig lite starkare, jag liksom sträcker på mig. Får en bättre hållning. Det ser jag i spegeln. Att hata skadar ju ingen, eller hur? Jag menar, mitt lilla minihat stör inte världsordningen. Tvärtom. Man måste välja sina battles. Det man tror på. Det är så man gör när man engagerar sig. Eller har jag fel?
Telia rider på hatvågen. Det blir lite meta – att HATA hat. Funkar så där.
MIA MAKILA 